Some stuff today, so let's look at stuff.
Co-award granter of the week: Kain Colter won Big Ten Offensive Player of the Week, but it was co-Big Ten Offensive Player of the Week, alongside Rock Skippin' Tay-Tay, as I like to call him, Taylor Martinez. That means it's time for another episode of "The Guy Whose Job It Is To Decide Big Ten Player of the Week Awards Fails To Make Extremely Meaningless Decisions About Stuff"!
The guy whose job it is to decide Big Ten Player of the Week Awards buys groceries
By Rodger Sherman
Cashier: (ringing up the final items in The Guy Whose Job It Is To Decide Big Ten Player Of The Week Awards' shopping cart: two boxes of plain oatmeal and some Bran Flakes.) That'll be $52.99. Will that be cash or credit?
TGWJIITDBTPOTWA: Umm... uhhhhh... umm... BOTH!
Cashier: You can only choose one, sir.
TGWJIITDBTPOTWA: No. NOOOOOOOOOO! Think. Think, you can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS. Umm, uhh... credit! (gleefully hands the cashier his credit card. She swipes, and rings up the balance.)
Cashier: Alright. Do you want paper, or plastic bags?
TGWJIITDBTPOTWA: (he looks hopelessly skyward, and sighs. After a few seconds, he whips out a shotgun, and puts the barrel in his mouth. The screen blacks out. We hear a gun blast. The credits roll. Fin.)
The Kain Event: Colter also be getting love elsewhere, such as by Stuart Mandel in SI where he breaks down the double-QB system and the B1G blog, where he was the BMOC in the Big Ten this week. (Stick around to see if Cody thinks that's true at NU)
Fourth quarter comes after high tea, right?: Luke Donald was one of the jerks on team Europe who earned a win on Sunday's final day of the Ryder Cup, beating Bubba Watson because he hates freedom, but he took a moment out of his schedule to be very dorky and British and do a PUT YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR intro for the football game on Saturday. It is not clear how many crumpets he consumed before making the announcement, or whether he knows the rules of football - you know, the real one. (Stick around to see if Cody finds out where I live and kills me for that.) Congrats, I guess, to Luke, for his performance in the Ryder Cup. He's down to No. 3 in the world rankings, but that's okay, I guess.
No, but srsly, other sports: Some wicked cool things did go down in non-revenue sports: Men's soccer beat MSU in double-overtime while the No. 10-ranked field hockey team beat No. 6 Penn State in overtime, 5-4. About that field hockey: woah.