Name of the Week: Ohio State

Kirk Irwin

Yes, Braxton Miller is included. But so are other people.

First off, congratulations to Dakota Tarbox for absolutely dominating the Maine poll two weeks ago. 175 of 238 votes. Damn. That's domination.

While we're at it, a shout-out to the NAME OF THE YEAR TOURNAMENT, which I have it on good authority is run by a Northwestern person. Alert yourself to their names. They are spectacular.

Moving on, this is the biggest game in Northwestern history or whatever so that means THIS IS THE BIGGEST NAME OF THE WEEK POLL IN NORTHWESTERN HISTORY WOOOOOOO GO CATS

ESPN COLLEGE NAMEDAY

Maybe I'm a little bit spoiled, but I was disappointed by Ohio State's name crop. I wasn't sure what to expect seeing as we haven't played them since I started this blog and therefore haven't had reason to write about their names, but I don't think it's up to the standards of such an elite program. I was excited about Philly Brown, but apparently his name is just Corey, and he's only called Philly to differentiate himself from Corey "Pittsburgh" Brown. There's a lot of boring names here.

But alas, we Gareon. Errr, we carry on. Sorry.

Honorable mentions include DL Chris Rock (funny because he's a 272-pound white dude from Ohio), OL Ben St. John for having three completely interchangeable names (my fave: St. John-Ben), CB Eli Apple, whose player page includes an impassioned statement on how he changed his name to match the man who has raised him since he is two years old ending in the statement "I'm truly blessed to be Eli Apple" which made me not think making fun of his name was okay anymore, DB Vonn Bell, RB Bri'onte Dunn -- I'm sure some of you will be mad he isn't included, but, look, you have to do better than just completely random first name to get in here, QB Cardale Jones,

No. 5, Braxton Miller

We ignore it, because he's the star quarterback, but, like, dude is totally named after Toni Braxton. Like, there's no way around it.

The Millers were sitting down to name their son and were drawing a blank. And over the maternity ward radio...

"UN-BREAK MY HEARRRRRRRT SAY YOU'LL LOVE ME AGAIIIIIIIN"

And instead of being like "man, that's a really ponderous song to be playing in a maternity ward, they were like YES LET'S NAME OUR MALE CHILD AFTER THAT SINGER!

And someone was like "oh! You're naming him Tony!"

And they were like "NO, ARE YOU INSANE WE'RE NAMING HIM BRAXTON"

The Braxman is, um, Ohio State's starting QB. You might have heard of him. He throws passes with his arm and runs with his legs.

No. 92, Adolphus Washington

A. BOLD MOVE naming your kid "Adolphus." It whizzes past the whole "genocide" thing into Latin so quickly you barely notice it until it's in your  rear-view. If you must name your kid some derivation of "Adolf," Adolphus is definitely No. 1 or No. 2 next to "Adolfo."

B. Dude just sounds like an 1800's captain of industry, and I'm totally okay with that. I would buy things from his family's steel mill. I only wish his name was actually, like, Adolphus P. Cornellingsworth Washington III, Esq.

Washington is a starting defensive end for the Bucks, with one TFL this year.

No. 19, Gareon Conley

One really good reason to name your kid Gareon:

"Mom, dad, I'm back from football practice!"

"Gareon, my wayward son!"

"UGH DO YOU HAVE TO GREET ME WITH THIS SAME JOKE EVERY SINGLE DAY"

"You must be tired after practice. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no mooooooooore /rips guitar off wall, busts solo"

Gareon's a highly touted freshman who is redshirting.

No. 48, Joe Burger

JOEBURGER, HOMME OF THE JOEBURGER. Dude is just so sloppy.

If you asked me to name a French person off the top of my head, using nothing but my basic xenophobic instincts, I'd probably name them something like "Pierre Croissant." The American equivalent is 100 percent Joe Burger.

Joe Burger, home of the JoeBurger, is a walk-on LB who has two tackles this year.

No. 26, Armani Reeves

I'll be honest, this could've been worse: Gucci Reeves, Prada Reeves, Vuitton Reeves, any number of last names of fashion designers could have been awful first names. Armani at least sounds like a first name.

Armani's a backup to Bradley Roby, but he's gotten playing time this year -- he even had a pick against SDSU.

No. 93, Tracy Sprinkle

SPRINKLE SPRINKLE

Tracy Sprinkle is either a celebrity hairstylist or a made-up name of a character on a Saturday morning cartoon -- probably like a perky baker in a MAGICAL DONUT SHOP and when the shop closes all the donuts and baking machines come to life and mischevous things and Tracy has to clean it all up and make it look presentable before her parents (the owners) show up but she always figures it out and it's a fun adventure!

Tracy's a redshirtin defensive lineman.

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