Name of the Week: Michigan

Gregory Shamus

BUTT! (Also, Taco.)

Sorry for the delayed post this week, but it's a fun name crop! I'm less sorry for skipping Nebraska two weeks ago, because a) I was moving and b) the only modestly okay name was Ryker Fyfe, who won last year. So delayed congratulations to Peter Pekar for winning the Iowa name of the week poll.

So there are quite a few fun names. We had to take Ondre Pipkins out of the mix after his win last year, but I really don't think that hurt the name crop. See for yourselves:

Jack Wangler, No. 16

Wangler is a spin-off company from Wrangler Jeans that makes jeans where your dinger-doodle is just poppin loose.

Kid's a freshman wide receiver.

Justice Hayes, No. 5

What I wrote last year and still agree with:

A lot of college football players are named after cool intangible traits, like Knowledge and stuff, but not many of these also result in the player having a title. My point is, COURT IS NOW IN SESSION, JUSTICE HAYES PRESIDING.

The Hon. Justice Hayes had 83 yards and a TD last year, but just one carry for seven yards this year. He did randomly make his only catch of the season to set up a field goal right before the end of regulation in the hilarious 43-40 Michigan-Penn State quadruple overtime game, but of course, Michigan's kicker missed.

Csont'e York, No. 81

This name carries on two proud child naming traditions: taking random strings of letters and adding "tay" to the end, and naming your child after Hall of Fame fullback Larry Csonka. I salute you, random apostrophe in between the "t" and the "e."

Also, not to sway the voting, but Michigan is the rare website that lists every player's full name, presumably because they are Michigan men and stand for propriety. This is particularly notable in the case of Csont'e, whose full name is "Csont'e Maurice Kixx York."

Csont'e

Maurice

Kixx

York

a) Go by Maurice, man. Or Mo.

b) Kixx.

c) KIXX.

d) Kix is a cereal that is worse than Trix. Kixx is the name of an indoor professional soccer league team, and it is the most Indoor Professional Soccer League name ever.

Anyway, Csont'e is a backup wide receiver who apparently had his redshirt burned to appear in one game this year and not record any catches.

Taco Charlton, No. 33

So, Taco's birthname is not Taco. It is Vidaunte.

Which makes it kinda cheating, but somehow makes it even more impressive. Since he was like "you know that delicious handheld Mexican food with the tortilla and the meat and the good toppings? I want to be called that. I want that to be my name." Tacos are so great, and my lone regret is that people don't 100 percent associate me with them. Taco Charlton made that happen, and for that, he's a hero.

This reminds me of my favorite YouTube video of all time, DJ Mbenga saying the word "tacos."

It also reminds me of this guy. Taco has been playing on occasion as a defensive end. Michigan has too many freshmen and they use them in ways that would make me mad if those players played for Northwestern.

Jake Butt, No. 88

HIS LAST NAME IS BUTT! HIS LAST NAME IS BUTT! HIS LAST NAME HIS LAST NAME HIS LAST NAME IS BUTT BUTT BUTT! HIS LAST NAME IS BUTT!

This is literally the WORST thing that could happen to a kid in elementary school, when "butt" is by far the funniest word in the English language. I mean, it's still the funniest word in the English language, but one's ability to be deeply depressed because other people are making fun of your last name being "butt" drops off considerably after elementary school. As demonstrated here:

Jake plays a considerable amount at tight end, with nine receptions on the year. His last name is butt.

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