Connor Mahoney is one of a few Philly kids on the Wildcats, this one hoping to get his name into the mix on the defensive line. (Wait, we're allowed to profile people that aren't offensive linemen? News to me.) He also has possibly the best musical selection and the best anagram we've come across this far, so I am very, very, very, very pleased about his presence on this list. Connor Mahoney, everybody!
Mahoney hails from Malvern, Pennsylvania, in the West Philly burbs -- not West Philadelphia, mind you -- a stone's throw from where previously profiled Andrew Scanlan is from. He was a three-year starter at Malvern Prep, playing offensive tackle and defensive end, but at 6'4, 260, it was clear that wasn't what he was headed for at the next level. His squad did well -- he was a first-team all-city, county, league, and state selection, and his team won a league championship -- but there were concerns about positionality. Some services, like 247, Scout, and ESPN, saw him as an offensive guard. Rivals ranked him as a defensive tackle. Some gave him three stars, but Rivals and 247 gave him only two, and he placed 52nd amongst Pennsylvania prospects in 247's composite ranking. He only got three FBS offers -- Northwestern, Tulane, and, oddly enough, Missouri -- as well as some Ivy League looks, but he picked the Wildcats in the June before his senior season.
He redshirted. HE REDSHIRTED, OKAY?!?!?! EVERYBODY REDSHIRTS. WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP TELLING YOU ABOUT EVERY PLAYER THAT REDSHIRTED LAST YEAR CAN'T YOU PEOPLE FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELVES
Anagram of choice
Discovering the Wildcats' true inner selves through spelling
Connor Mahoney, anagrammed, is
I don't know what that is but it also sounds sexual, so we're not going to use it because this is a site for the kids. I'm sure it can't get any worse-
MEAN HORNY COON
WHAT NO DUDE THAT'S RACIST AND NO
NO RACCOON HYMEN
How do you even know it doesn't have a NOPE NOPE NOPE
CANNY HOE MONO
Wait is that like a disease you get from MOVING ON
CANNERY NO HOMO
The homophobic sequel to John Steinbeck's classic novel? Wait ROY HIBBERT GOT FINED FOR THIS MOVING ON
THERE. We can use that. Just two snitches gettin married and going on a lovely vacation afterwards. (Also considered: "No one monarchy," "Honey or Conman", which is the name of a new reality show I'm pitching to ABC, and "Achy neon moron")
Relevant musical selection
"Sex Syrup" Slick Mahony ft. Yung Humma
If you're not familiar with comedy rap collective Turquoise Jeep -- well, we THINK they're comedy rap, they might just be actual, extremely misguided rappers -- GET FAMILIAR.
They're most famous for "Smang It," but I have a soft spot in my heart for "Sex Syrup," featuring bespectacled Robin Thicke-wannabe Slick Mahony, who, of course, shares the name of that defensive lineman we're talking about. Let me list my favorite, oh, 19 things about this video:
1. Some poor girl in high heels trying her best to dance on top of a giant stack of pancakes
2. "Mmmmmmmmm Yung Humma back"
3. Basically the entire fact that Yung Humma completely deadpans an entire verse of sexual innuendo ABOUT BREAKFAST FOOD in his awesome high pitched voice
4. The majority of the video being in front of green-screen squares
5. Yung Humma's entrance via the side of a floating block
6. Slick Mahony's extremely disturbing and evocative pouring of syrup onto his index and middle finger, then licking it off
7. Slick Mahony's highly unsexy happy trail
8. Poor girl's attempts at trying to look sexy while wearing a "Flynt Flossy is my favorite rapper" t-shirt
9. Flynt Flossy himself appearing from nowhere for eight seconds towards the end
10. The fact that Yung Humma's entrance is joined by the entrance of a less sexy female counterpart
If you liked this, I highly suggest you check out "Smang It," "Cavities," and any number of other Turquoise Jeep songs, but more importantly their accompanying videos.
How he can help
It's tough to say. We didn't hear much about Mahoney in his redshirt season, and at only 260 pounds, he's still ab it undersized for a defensive tackle.
Mahoney isn't cracking our 2013 look at the depth chart, and so far as we can tell. Sean McEvilly and Will Hampton are starting, Chance Carter and Greg Kuhar are the young backups vying for playing time, and C.J. Robbins is a promising guy also in the mix. Mahoney has work to do to see the field, but he's just a redshirt freshman.