Name of the Week: California edition

Thearon W. Henderson

THE NAMES HAVE RETURNED. And college football internetsmith Adam Jacobi should watch out, for he has become the hunted.

IT'S THE RETURN

THAT'S RIGHT

IT'S TIME FOR NORTHWESTERN WILDCATS FOOTBALL, AND THAT MEANS MAKING FUN OF THE NAMES OF PEOPLE ON THE OTHER TEAMS WOOOOOOOOO

I think some people imagine that I have any idea who has won these polls in the past. I guess I kind of do, although I couldn't tell you for the life of me who won the Gator Bowl name of the week -- I do remember they had an incredibly talented crew with Chad Bumphis not even cracking the top three or four. My point is, this is about week by week, going across college football, and appreciating how much we temporarily hate random human beings we have no interactions with, and think its silly that their parents gave them the names they gave them. It's one of my favorite things in the world, by which I mean it's my 432nd favorite thing about football season.

TO THE NAAAAAAAAAMES. First off, the runners up: punter Steffan "two-thirds of Stefan Demos" Mos, linebacker Johnny Ragin III, the most recent in a long line of ragers, defensive lineman Ted Agu -- godblessyou -- running back Lucus Gingold, because come on "Lucus" are you kidding me, and Alejandro Crosthwaite, because how the hell do you end up being named "Alejandro Crosthwaite" those aren't even the same thing.

Now let's get to the names!

Cormac Craigie, No. 38

There's something adorable about the last name "Craigie." I'm getting a dog in the next few weeks, and although I don't know what I'm naming him, I could definitely noogie an animal and go "AWWWW, CRAIGIE" for a few hours a day. The "Cormac" worries me that we could be dealing with an important Scotsman, though.

Hardy Nickerson, No. 47

Hardy began his career as a down-on-his-luck shoeshine but worked his way up to being part of a radio comedy duo, where his signature punchline is "gooooooollllllly!" His career sadly ended when he was sucked into a space-time continuum during the 1932 taping of "Wiggy and Nickerson go to the races!" and he became a football p layer in 2013.

Hardy's a backup middle linebacker who led the spring game in tackles.

Bradley Northnagel, No. 48

I think for the past seven or eight years, whenever somebody has said anything relating to class/money/getting a good education, I've often responded in a heavily affected, British, high-pitched "OHHHHHHHHHH," repeated what they said, and said something about eating tea and/or crumpets or perhaps playing croquet with somebody invariably named Billinsgley or something along those lines. I feel like Bradley Northnagel isn't the ideal name for this character, but he's, like 78 percent of the way there. I guess what I'm saying is, you should try saying "Bradley Northnagel" in a heavily affected, British, high-pitched voice. It's fun.

Braddy Northnages, as I call him, is a redshirt freshman DE.

Puka Lopa, No. 75

Y'all know I rarely use names on here just because they're "foreign" or "different." But Puka Lopa has such a nice rhythm to it! I can seriously spend a minute or two playing some techno drums and just saying "poo-ka LO-pa! poo-ka LO-pa!" over and over again until the words lose whatever meaning they have and the beat builds and builds and builds and then pause

silence

and from the depths

somebody says

PUKA LOPA

AND THE BEAT DROPS and all these people doing drugs start going nuts because Puka Lopa just happened and n ow I'm a millionaire techno DJ with my hit "Puka Lopa" and some reporter asks me "so, what does Pookalowpa" even mean and I'm just like "man it's not about the words, it's just sometimes you find music, and sometimes music finds you, you know? Sometimes the inspiration just sneaks into your soul and you just ride it, and that's what Puka Lopa is all about."

Pookylops, as I like to call him, is a reserve defensive end. Well, technically, his player page lists him as "defensive ends," which apparently means he has the power to play both sides of the line at once, which could really be helpful in Cal's new 3-4 defense.

Idarre Coles, No. 83

"Come on, man, Idarre."

"No, I'm too scared!"

"I double Darre."

"NUH-UH."

"Okay. I triple doggie Darre, plus I'll trade lunches with you tomorrow."

/pause /thinks "Okay, if you triple doggie Darre." (licks underside of schooldesk)

Idarre is a walk-on wide receiver whose name is pronounced "ih-dar-ee," sadly.

Jacobi Hunter, No. 95

#HUNTADAM_JACOBI

J-Hunt is a true freshman DT for the Bears.

Trey Cheek, No. 23

In French, or extremely pretentious English, saying something is "très chic" means it is "very stylish." Incidentally, Trey Cheek is pronounced exactly this way. That leads to this conversation.

"Allo! I am an attractive Franch exchange student! My name is Jean-Michelle and zis is mon amie Juliette. We were wondering if you would like to come back to our dormitorie and eat baguettes and perhaps do sexy French things!"

"I'm Trey Cheek."

"Oh la la! Ze Americains are so conceited! Juliette, let us go back to our dormitorie instead of socializing wiss zeese foolish and unsophisticated idiots! We can watch "ze umbrellas of cherbourg" for ze 2,000th time and drink red wine until we do sexy French things without this jerk Americain."

Trey is a true freshman cornerback, who has four years of getting confused by his interactions with attractive French exchange students ahead of him. Although perhaps by year 3 he can figure out how to spin the convo. We also shouldn't ignore that his birth name is "Trevellous Lequan Cheek."

Bryce Treggs, No. 1

The lawn gnome in the Travelocity commercials is named "Bryce Treggs," although it's never actually come up in the commercials.

Bryce is actually quite important for the Bears: a four-star recruit in the class of 2012, the wide receiver had 21 catches in his true freshman year last year. With Keenan Allen gone and the Bear Raid in full effect, expect to hear his name called a few times Saturday.

NOW VOTE.

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