It's like gametime but more fun, because instead of having to play football and either losing or being accused of faking injuries, we just talk about people's names!
First of on, before we move on, we must retire last year's winner:
Quinta Funderburk, No. 2
My decision to retire past winners is often controversial, but I feel like it's good for the sport and singlehandedly prevented Christian Kuntz from winning every Penn State name of the week award ever.
We will remember Quinta for being named "fifth" in Spanish, and for all the fun times, and also for all the derburk times, whatever those were. The Arkansas transfer at wide receiveris not on the depth chart and had no catches against Penn State.
And now we must discuss the honorable mentions of which there are quite a few: defensive tackle Trevon Trejo, who I hope is an alliterative member of a country-wide force of murderous Danny Trejo relatives, center Sheamus Shanley, who, SHAMUS SHANLEY! nose tackle Zian Jones, who has awesome dreads, WASPy tight end Beckett Wales, alliterative LB Dyshawn Davis, wide out Brisly Estime, cornerback Jaston George -- JASTON! La bibliothêque, s'il vous plaît (i assume this is what French people say to their butlers) -- and slightly ginger-hued cornerback Brandon Reddish.
Now, on to the real contestants!
Clay Cleveland, No. 31
Last year I pointed out that this would RUIN the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame when it rained. This year I propose alternate names of building material Ohio cities:
- Adobe Akron (also a bootleg software program that does not make PDF's)
- Terra Cotta Toledo
- Cement Cincinnati
- Sand Sandusky
- Concrete Columbus
- Asbestos Ashtabula
- Ytterbium Youngstown (NOTE: Ytterbium is not an acceptable building material)
Alryk Perry, No. 45
Here are five orders of the letters "A," "L," "R," "Y," and "K" -- five letters that have never been placed in a name together -- that make more sense to me as a name than "Alryk:"
- Rylak (provided he's an alien)
Here are three that make less sense to me than "Alryk:"
I presume people call him "Al" or "Rick."
Anyway, he's a freshman linebacker.
Chauncey Scissum, No. 15
Big Cut! I find something really adorable about the last name "Scissum," I mean, mainly because it's what a three-year-old calls a pair of scissors.
Daniel Anyaegbunam, No. 64
As I always note, I don't normally vibe with "oh this guy's name is foreign," but, four of five vowels AND the sometimes vowel! Danny Anny is killin it.
He's a walk-on OT.
Adonis Ameen-Moore, No. 34
I think a lot of the time people confuse me trying to make fun of certain names with me trying to sit back, smoke a cigar, and appreciate naming excellence.
This is a spectacular name. First of all, I believe in anybody who names their child Adonis. Always set unrealistic expectations for your child: "Hercules" or "Zeus" for a boy are good ones, "Taylor" is a good one for a girl. "A mean Moor" would have been a socially acceptable way to refer to somebody of color that you did not like in the 1500's, but I would not advise using that turn of phrase now
Adonis is Cuse's backup fullback, behind Clay.
Hernz Laguerre, No. 58
I've never read/seen Les Miserables. Dude is a character in Les Miserables, isn't he? It's nice that now Syracuse and Pitt are in the same conference, so the Orange can win games at ERRMAHGERRRD, HERNZ FERLD.
Herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnz is a walk-on linebacker.
Ashton Broyld, No. 1
Chris Berman is gonna rig Ashton's road to the NFL just so he can insert the middle name "Flame" during his highlights. FUN FACT: I don't know what "broiling" actually entails, but I do know that it makes burgers delicious.
Ashton is the team's starting H-back, and had four catches for 46 yards against Penn State. He
burned flame-broiled Northwestern's defense for four catches for 28 yards last year against Northwestern.
Macky MacPherson, No. 59
It's the return of the Macky Mack!
Macky finished second last year, and is looking to improve on that. Macky Mack! So friendly. Anyway, dude is a three-year starter at center and a team captain. BUT HE'LL PRY THE RIMINGTON AWARD FROM BRANDON VITABILE'S DEAD HANDS. (pls don't die brandon)
Prince-Tyson Gulley, No. 23
I'm a big fan of "Prince" as a name, and "gully" as a word to describe things that are unnecessarily hood. Therefore I cannot look PTG, who is not just a prince, but boasts a rare hyphenated first name. I support him in his claim to be Crown Prince of Norway.
PT Cruiser, as I assume his called by the Orange faithful, actually got the start at RB last year against NU and rocked NU for 50 yards and a touchdown on just seven carries, plus 46 receiving yards. Now, he's listed as a co-starter, and only managed 24 yards on 12 carries against Penn State.