Name of the Week: Michigan State edition

Jonathan Daniel

The greatest crop of names NU will play against this year, including Juwan Caesar, Denzel Drone, and TyQuan Hammock.

First off, congratulations to Ondre Pipkins for winning last week with Michigan poll, doubling up second-place finisher Fitzgerald Touissant with 52 votes, and for helping those British children by being their cheerful nanny who occasionally beats them up.

But let's talk about Michigan State. Let's TALK about Michigan State. Sometimes, I wonder why I'm doing Name of the Week polls. Not every team is gifted. Some teams have just modestly okay names, and make me believe that perhaps I'm silly to imagine that college football players don't have naturally more enjoyable names.

Michigan State reminds me that I'm wrong. Michigan State reminds me that I'm the wrongest. I think they're the deepest name team that Northwestern will play this year, and it's not even close. To be honest, I'm just going to copy-paste some stuff I wrote last year, PLUS add some other stuff, and leave it up to you. It's the best.

Honorable mentions include running back Le'Veon Bell, one of the world's best JJ's, Jairus Jones. Here's the guys who made the cut:

No. 36, Arjen Colquhoun: Arjen is not Dutch, nor is he a dread sea monster introduced to the science fiction realm by H.P. Lovecraft. Yelling his name at loud volumes in a vaguely pirate-y accent will make your life slightly more enjoyable for about 30 seconds.

Arjen, while waiting dreaming in his home miles beneath the depths of the South Pacific, is a redshirt freshman at cornerback. He has yet to record any normal stats, but does have a fascinating line on the year: zero kick returns, for -8 yards. Hrmmm?

No. 34, Taiwan Jones: In the Olympics, he is known as Chinese Taipei Jones, although his official name is Republic of China Jones.

Taiwan is a sophomore in the mix at linebacker, recording 32 tackles, including a sack.

No. 89, Shilique Calhoun: Shilique is what happens when you want to name your son after a famous athlete but your scrabble tile is out of the letter "a" and also you're dyslexic.

Shilique is a redshirt freshman backup defensive end who has a couple of tackles, although he's played in every game.

No. 49, TyQuan Hammock: Hammock is the three time winner of MSU's "most comfortable linebacker" award. His first name is actually short for "Tae Kwon Do", an art in which Hammock is a red belt.

Tyke's a reserve linebacker who has only played seven games this year, with two tackles.

No. 3, Macgarrett Kings Jr: Shouldn't Macgarrett Kings Jr. just be Macgarrett Prince? Points added for being a member of Scottish royalty and also for basically being named "Margaret" and somehow outswagging it.

Macgarrett has played in eight games as a freshman wide receiver, making four catches for 25 yards.

No. 31, Darqueze Dennard: I've always loved the alliterative factor of "Darqueze", but was deeply disturbed to find out that it's pronounced "dar-kez" as opposed to "dar-keeze", as I had assumed. Still, Darqueze Dennard. He won last year, so, you clearly appreciate double D Darqueze's steez.

You've probably noticed 'Queze as one of the conference's better corners, although he did pick up that unfortunate pass interference in the Nebraska game.

No. 87, Tres Barksdale: That's right. His name is "Tres", and his number isn't 3 or 33. This is a drastic oversight by everybody ever. My only wish is that he became a basketball player specializing in nailing threes, and emphatically celebrating every single one. And not just like how Steve Novak does the Discount Triple Check, I mean like REALLY overdoes himself, like an elaborate display involving smoke falling from the ceiling and him yelling "TRES! TRES! TREEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS". He could be like a Batman supervillain whose name is some weird nonsense like E. Nygma and somehow turns out to be a psychotic freak whose crimes revolve around the thing they're named after. Unfortunately, he plays football.

Tres is a redshirting wide receiver.

No. 52, Denzel Drone: From two years ago year:

Apparently MSU took Denzel Washington, star of such films as Inside Man, American Gangster, and my personal favorite film of all-time (you think I'm joking, but I'm not) He Got Game, removed his soul, and set him loose as a brainless killing machine. Because this Denzel Drone they have is a defensive end. He may not have a soul or feelings, but his acting skills and lady-seduction-abilities are up and running, ready to make you think he has a soul, whereas in fact, he is a heartless, mindless, sexy robot. Be worried, people.

Denzel is using his mindless sexy powers as a backup tight end, although he has no catches on the year - just tackles.

No. 52, Taybor Pepper: Taybor is a robot name and Pepper makes him sound really folksy.

Taybor's a redshirting long snapper.

No. 11, Juwan Caesar: Act One, Scene One, The Tragedy of Juwan Caesar, by William Shakespeare:

Official: "Gentlemen of Rome, terrible news! Our leader, Julius Caesar, has been stabbed! (Gasps, panic) He shall be succeeded by his only heir... uh... Am I reading this right? (turns around, someone nods assuringly at him) Juwan. Juwan Caesar. Juwan, incidentally, is the only black person any of us have ever seen.

Juwan Caesar: Sup, this Juwan Caesar baby!

all: HAIL CAESAR!

Juwan Caesar: Hell yeah! Hail me! THIS! IS! (uncomfortable silence) Y'all ain't gonna finish? THIS! IS! SPARTA!

Official: Uh... this is Rome. We conquered Sparta shortly after the Punic Wars.

Juwan Caesar: Same thing, know what I'm saying? Y'all seen that movie 300? That's why I came here, man. That's what I told Coach Dantonio when he came to my house: I'm like that Leonidas dude but with a 4.4 40. How you gonna stop that when they give me one of them helmets with the stuff on top, Michigan? Huh? Ayo, everybody, SPARTANS, WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION! Am I right? That was crazy, man. (complete silence) What? Did you guys not like that movie? I thought it was hot.

Octavius: Hey, I'm that dead guy's adopted nephew. I heard you needed an emperor.

Official: THE NEW EMPEROR, OCTAVIUS! (minutes of non-stop applause)

exeunt

Hail Juwan all you want, but the redshirt freshman wideout has yet to play for MSU.

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