Name of the Week, Iowa

Mike DiNovo-USA TODAY Sports

Some middle-American fun.

First off, congrats to Daletavious McGhee for really destroying the Minnesota Name of the Week poll. Strong performance from the freshman, quite daletavious of him. He got 47 percent of the vote, but nobody drew less than six percent of the vote, which made it a pretty even battle for second.

This week was a particularly tough NOTW to put together, because, unsurprisingly, Iowa's names are very Iowan. There aren't any true stars -- just about 110 guys with names for farmers -- but there are a bunch of, you know, guys with names for farmers. To be honest, the most fair way to do this would be to have about 25 options, all with modestly humorous but not spectacular names. Think of it as a Marvin McNutt power vacuum.

However, we don't do fair here, so I narrowed down to the top five. Kevonte Martin-Manley is excluded after winning last year's poll. Here are some people we didn't include in the poll: safety Tanner Miller (star of "Tanner Miller Soldier Spy"), OLB Palmer Foster (star of "Palmer Foster Soldier Spy), RB Akrum Wadley, DB Jordan Lomax (apparently Lomax is a somewhat common name and not a Dr. Seuss character) punter Connor Kornbrath (his name has corn in it!) DL Daumantas Venckus-Cucchiara (Lithuanian-Greek-Italian?), OL Tommy Gaul (cousin of Marty Visigoth) DB Bo Bower, FB Macon Plewa, and DB Nico Law. You see?

Peter Pekar, No. 92

Peter Pekar piped a picker. Peter Pekar poked a pipper. Peter Pekar popped a pooper. Peter Pekar pipped a poppy. Peter Pekar packed a peeper.

In addition to being a noted hero of tongue-twisters, Peter is a freshman defensive end who is a walk-on.

John Lowdermilk, No. 37

Lowdermilk is a cheaper variant on powdered milk. It's may or may not contain traces of bleached sawdust.

Johnny 'Milk is the starting strong safety for the Hawkeyes but he has more TFL's than pass breakups this year.

Josey Jewell, No. 43

Josey = name for outlaws, weird hippies 70's cartoon band frontwoman. It's never revealed what the lead Pussycat's last name is, but, would you be surprised if it was "Jewell?" (Also, I just read the "Josie and the Pussycats" wikipedia page and forgot there was legitimately an entire series where the band was launched into outer space with no real explanation, because 70's TV shows did not have to make sense.)

I guess my point is, not only is this possibly the most ambiguously gendered name I've ever encountered for an athlete, it's so ambiguously gendered that it works accurately as as caricature cartoon name intended for the most female human being they could conjure up. Do you, J-Jewell.

(Jokes I did not opt for: jokes about Jessie J and/or Juicy J. YOU SAY NO TO RATCHET PUNTING JOSEY J CAIN'T.)

Josey J is a redshirtin' freshman OLB.

Berkley Grimm, No. 40

"Mutter, our Bruder Berkley will not sit around all day and writen der Kinderstories vis us!"

"Das is not gutt! Berkley is dis getrue?"

"I'm going to go to college to play football."

"But vhy can't sie furjoinen Wilhelm and Jacob as zey sprachen about der Kinders?!?!"

"To be honest, they weird the hell out of me. Kids stories are supposed to be, like, fun and happy, and when you actually read their stories they're all about getting eaten by weird woodmonsters. Also, I'm from 21st century America."

"Ohh, mein Gott! Berkley, du hast brought eine Mischgenfurtdisgrace on our Gefamilisch!"

"Is your understanding of German really that you just add random syllables to the front of English words"

"Ja, zat is our Zepfundslastunderstanding."

"That's not how it works."

Berkley is a sophomore fullback who transferred from North Dakota State.

Jake Duzey, No. 87

/sees name

/runs to closest mountaintop

/catches breath after running up a mountain

/waits

/breathes in deep

THIS NAME IS A REAAAAAAAAL DOOOOOOOZYYYYYYYYYY

DOOZYYYYY

OOOZYY

OOZY

OOZY

oozy

/waits until there's no echo

/breathes in deep again

I SAID

I SAID THIS NAME IS A REAAAAAAAAAAAL DOO-

Jakey D is Iowa's, like, fourth string tight end, but he caught an 85-yard TD against Ohio State last week, which was great because it was an Iowa tight end sprinting past Ohio State's secondary.

pick one y'all

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