Tony Jones, Northwestern Wildcats football, No. 6

US PRESSWIRE

Tony Jones is Northwestern's designated speedster, a 6'0 burner capable of getting loose downfield.

Yeahhhhh, I knowwwww, I missed a day a week before the season. Trust me: we got stuff coming that's going to make it worth it. So for now, let's enjoy Tony Jones, let's wait for me to throw up one more post, and then we'll get to Venric Mark, okay? Okay.

BESIDES, WHATEVER, IT'S GAME WEEK. RUN THROUGH A DAMN WALL.

Let's get it, Tony:

Origin myth

Jones is a Flintstone, from a city that even compared with other places in Michigan is falling apart at an incredibly rapid pace. Playing for Grand Blanc, he became the first ever sophomore to be named first-team all-conference, and followed that up with 69 catches for 1,065 yards on a team that went 9-0 as a junior. And lest you think his skills were limited to the gridiron, he was two-time team MVP and all-conference in hoops and won regional championships in sprints, breaking a 400-yard dash record previously held by Mark Ingram. Let's look at his monster junior highlight tape:

FLAWLESS segue from NFL Films music to "Heart of a Champion" by Nelly. And, oh, yeah, dude is fast. Less flawless segue to "This is Why I'm Hot" by former Northwestern defensive end Kevin Mims. Okay I didn't watch the whole thing but I did fast forward to hear the music and that Juelz Santana/Just Blaze song featured in an Air Force Ones commercial back in like 2007 but never actually released is just such fire.

At Northwestern

Jones played as a true freshman, nabbing a touchdown in his first game against Minnesota after returning from injury, but generally a backup, catching 11 passes for 157 yards. But tore his PCL in fall camp in 2011 and missed the whole year -- making up for having his redshirt burned, but costing the Cats a receiver. He'd return in 2012 by winning a starting role at the X-receiver spot, the split end, and would not disappoint: he'd lead the team in touchdowns with four with 29 receptions for 335 yards, second on the team in that category.

Career highlight

Northwestern made the odd choice to burn his redshirt midway through his freshman season, but it paid off big time. Against Minnesota, he randomly found himself on the field for his first collegiate play on Northwestern's first drive, and we were confused -- I don't think it was ever mentioned that his shirt would be burned before the play. Dan Persa dropped back, ran a play action, and looked up, and Jones had burned his man and his safety and was all alone with daylight in front. It was a throw-and-catch, and Jones had a 48-yard touchdown. Perhaps the defenders were confused by a number they hadn't seen on the game plan, perhaps Jones was genuinely too fast, but either way, it was a perfect narrative.

Anagram of choice

Discovering the Wildcats' true inner selves through spelling

Tony Jones, anagrammed, is

ENJOY SNOT

Snot! (peppy theme music plays) "Say, Billy, what's that ya got there?"

"Just some Snot!"

Everybody: "SNOT?!?!?!"

"Hi, I'm Northwestern wide receiver Tony Jones. I'm not technically allowed to use my image for promotional purposes because the NCAA is a gross cabal of jerks who enjoy ensuring I receive no compensation for my labor. But if I was, I'd tell you how much I enjoy Snot, a key part of anybody's balanced breakfast. You can enjoy it at the movies, in your car -- even on the go! (turns) Hey, Billy!"

"What's that, Northwestern wide receiver Tony Jones?"

"Pass the Snot!" (everybody laughs) (the words "ENJOY SNOT" appear on the screen, and we never find out what the actual product is)

(Also considered: Sonnet Joy, which is the experience of orgasmic pleasure 16th century women derived from realizing the ABAB rhyme scheme their man has followed in the first three quatrains has suddenly shifted into one final climactic couplet, literally the sexiest thing people were capable of doing in the late 1500's.)

Relevant musical selection

AS LONG AS NORTHWESTERN HAS PLAYERS WHOSE LAST NAME IS "JONES" -- SPECIFICALLY, AS LONG AS WE HAVE FIVE OF THEM -- I WILL CONTINUE TO REFERENCE THE SONG "STILL TIPPIN" BY MIKE JONES FT. SLIM THUG AND PAUL WALL

Tony tweets

How he can help

Speed, bruh. Venric Mark could probably give Tony Jones a footrace, but I get the sense that in a straight line, Jones would win over 100 yards, if not 40. Mark's got shiftiness in acceleration, but Jones is a sprinter, with great stride at 6'1. That's why it makes sense to put him at the X spot -- corners can jam you, but if you get past them, it's off to the races. Christian Jones -- and, well, hypothetically Kyle Prater -- are also capable of grabbing deep balls, and Christian actually had a higher yards-per-catch than his Jones partner-in-crime, but I'd say Tony is the guy whose repertoire is more devoted to depth.

Depth chart projection

He's gonna keep starting at that X spot.

More from Sippin' On Purple:

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