Northwestern vs. Syracuse: 7 reasons to hate the Orange

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Syracuse is not New York's College Team, and their sports journalism alumni are just as good as ours but do we have to talk about that every time? That and more reasons to hate:

I'll be honest, it's tough to hate Syracuse. They are not, in any way, shape, or form the alma mater of anybody as evil as Haakon, Crown Prince of Norway.

(Well, I dunno how we feel about Lisa Lampanelli. She's pretty awful. They do have some royalty, but this Saudi prince is nowhere near ascending to the throne. And although the Orange are definitely the law alma mater of at least one person who is next in line to ascend to the leadership of a country, but let's be honest, J-Beezy would make an awesome president.)

Hahahaha, of course, I'm joking it's tremendously easy to hate Syracuse. Syracuse has already done the hate from their end, and now it is now our turn. EAT IT, EVERYBODY BESIDES CARMELO ANTHONY WHO I LOVE DEARLY:

They make Northwestern's claim to be Chicago's Big Ten Team look bad

Northwestern is Chicago's Big Ten Team. If you haven't heard this, it's because somehow Jim Phillips has somehow left you off the list of people assigned a personal man with an airhorn screaming "NORTHWESTERN: CHICAGO'S BIG TEN TEAM" at all times. Please send Dr. Phillips your info.

But anyway, we're not alone in the vaguely claiming local major media markets: Syracuse has tried to bill itself as New York's College Team. Although New York, is you know, a state in which Syracuse is located, the ad campaign is marketed at New York City, where Syracuse is not located, and as a New Yorker, I can't say it's caught on.

For starters, let's not quibble over who was first: that was Cuse, who unveiled their marketing strategy in July, 2009, a full year before Northwestern's dropped.

But here's the thing: Evanston is close to Chicago. LIke, you can take the el. Northwestern is Chicago's Big Ten Team, because it is basically in Chicago, and is a Big Ten team.

Syracuse, on the other hand, is 247 miles away from New York City. Here is a full list of FBS teams whose football games I could attend with a shorter drive than Syracuse:

Rutgers: 37.7 miles
Army: 54.8 miles
Temple 97.4 miles
UConn: 140 miles
UMass: 168 miles
Boston College: 210 miles
Maryland: 219 miles
Penn State: 236 miles

If Syracuse is New York's College Team, Maryland and Penn State can still claim the vacant title as New York's Big Ten Team. (Note: Rutgers does not count.)

(If you'd like more reading material on whether or not Syracuse is New York's College Team, Nunes Magician is absolutely the place you should go. They seem much more interested in the basketball side of things, for what it's worth.)

Prose Bowl

If there's one thing I can definitely do without, it's talk about journalism schools.

I may or may not have attended Northwestern's journalism school. A lot of other people, some of whom are good and smart and talented, unlike me, have gone to Northwestern's journalism school.

A lot of good and smart and talented people have also gone to Syracuse's Newhouse School of Public Communications. Last I checked, every single one of these people is now employed by ESPN or one of ESPN's threeve zillion television stations.

Thus, this game becomes a referendum between Syracuse ESPN people and Northwestern ESPN people on which j-school is better, a question easily solved either by seeing who can urinate farther or by using a precise caliper to measure the length of one's genitalia. These people typically handle it with the smarm required to become a successful TV personality in the first place, and have the lack of grace to do it in public and reveal to the world that we are associated with these people.

It's unbearable.

Darren Rovell, Sports Business Reporter & Business Correspondent (Bachelor's degree from Northwestern): "On Saturday, I am waking up at 5:30 a.m. and taking a flight to Syracuse. I'm watching the game and then flying back. My wife, who attended Syracuse's Newhouse school, will not know the score of the game until I either call her or return home. She doesn't care, which is why I think the man upstairs should give the Wildcats the win."

Steve Bunin, Anchor and Host (Bachelor's degree from Syracuse): "I think it's safe to declare that in basketball and journalism, Syracuse wins hands-down.  There really is no contest, and anybody who believes otherwise probably owns purple underwear, and therefore is, clearly, delirious.  Weather was always a toss-up with Northwestern.  Do you take their wind for our snow?  Whose lake-effect affects your life worse?  Never could tell.  Football, sadly, has become a tough pick, too, but let's put it this way: If Northwestern wins, it's a shining moment for their program and university.  If Syracuse wins, it's just another W, and half the people who see the box score will think the Orange beat Northeastern.  Go ‘Cuse."

I have crafted my own paragraph for this year's version of that post, even though I was not asked to.

Rodger Sherman: Loud, Intentionally Contrarian Opinions on Sports, panelist, Show Hypothetically About Analysis But Actually We Talk About Whether Players Are Clutch Or Not For An Hour, host (I swear Northwestern sent me a diploma): As someone who frequently brags about having attended a relatively elite academic institution, I would prefer not to shut up about the athletic teams that represent that institution. However, my friend (person who attended another very good academic institution) seems to think that his Orange can top my Wildcats! What nonsense! I haven't heard something that crazy since he said his school was more prestigious than mine! I'm single and sometimes fear that I will die alone. Luckily talking about where I went to college reminds me that once I was young.

Luckily, nobody has gotten Bob Costas' take. YET.

Mutant cruelty

Let me remind you what Syracuse's mascot, Otto, looks like:

To quote the second girl in that video: "there really aren't many fruit as mascots, anywhere!"

NO, OF COURSE THERE AREN'T.

FRUITS ARE SEED-CARRYING BODIES FORMED BY PLANTS. THEY ARE NOT SENTIENT. THEY DO NOT HAVE ARMS AND LEGS AND EYES. DO YOU REALIZE HOW SCARY IT WOULD BE TO EAT AN ORANGE AND SEE IT SMILING BACK AT YOU WITH BIG ROUND EYES?. THEY CANNOT WALK OR CHOOSE TO SUPPORT SYRACUSE FOOTBALL.

What we have here is clearly some sort of horrific science experiment gone wrong. However, once this CitrusMonster was created, Syracuse's science department couldn't bear to kill him, forcing him to live out his horrific existence. He has to walk around and watch millions of his friends get murdered:

Just Orange in general

It's bad enough for these guys...

Nutshot2

Wait... actual football hate?

From Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician:

If rivalry is defined as two schools that play each other often and have an emotional, vested interest in beating each other, I'd say that somehow, the Northwestern Wildcats make the cut right here and now. Other than BC, I don't think there's a team that makes me want a victory for the purposes of hatred besides NU. I can draw a line from the previous games to this one and it affects the way I root for Syracuse because of it. I just don't have that with 90% of the ACC yet.

Come to think of it:

2008: A strong NU team plays a down Cuse team in a season-opener and wins handily.

2009: A strong NU team plays a down Cuse team and GREG PAULUS THROWS FOR 346 YARDS AND TWO TOUCHDOWNS PLUS A RUNNING TOUCHDOWN.

GREG PAULUS.

Mike Williams, who gets kicked off the team a few weeks later, has 209 yards receiving, and spoils a day where Mike Kafka had 390 yards passing, plus a receiving touchdown. NU loses on a last-second field goal, and finishes with eight wins instead of nine.

I am so, so, so glad this did not happen.

2012: Northwestern goes up 35-13 thanks to a fluky scoop-and-score and a fluky long fumble return and a not-fluky punt return, but Ryan Nassib throws for 482 yards to lead the Orange to a 41-35 lead. Which gets erased by Trevor Siemian, playing for a hurt Kain Colter, hitting Demetrius Fields for a game-winning touchdown with a minute to go. There is a late hit call thanks to Siemian's out-of-bounds embellishment skills probably costs the Orange the game by turning a third-and-long into a first-and-goal.

So, yeah, kind of reasons for football hate.

Swagger jackers

The movie The Express told the story of Ernie Davis, the legendary running back who became the first African-American to win the Heisman Trophy before tragically passing away months after graduating from Syracuse. Here's a clip from that movie!

Wait, something about that stadium looks familiar... The way the entrances to the stadium appear... the lightbulb-heavy scoreboard jutting up from atop a section of stands... wait a minute, THAT'S RYAN FIELD YOU JERKS. As you can see more clearly here, Northwestern's stadium was used for filming in the football scenes of The Express. Since Syracuse's Archbold Stadium was knocked down in 1979, the filmers had to look for a stadium that looked reasonably crappy and outdated enough that even in 2008, it looked like it could have been used during an era when black people had to use different water fountains. One of them saw Ryan Field and thought "THAT'S IT!" and CGI made it into the Cotton Bowl and Archbold as well as other stadiums. In other clips, it's easier to see the distinctive curvature of the west stands.

Also, what's up with the Northwestern striping on your jerseys, bros?

NOBODY TALKS BAD ABOUT THE WOMEN'S LACROSSE TEAM

Need I remind you about the poopstorm that surrounded Northwestern's thrilling 8-6 women's lacrosse victory in the 2012 NCAA Championship?

Take a step back and think about another area in which Northwestern University revealed itself to be a cowardly, cheap institution full of athletes and coaches who play sports in the most unfulfilling, unentertaining and unfair way possible.

Women's lacrosse.

In case you don't remember or weren't on Twitter that night, Northwestern stalled and delayed their way to an 8-6 victory in the Women's Lax National Championship over Syracuse in what has to have been the most boring and most unwatchable sporting event in the history of the planet. The Wildcats play was described as "nauseatingly disgusting" by some, "a brutal, ugly brand of lacrosse" by others and led one Syracuse player to assume that NU players were scared to play fair.

OH, IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU GOT PAT FITZGERALD GUNNING FOR Y'ALL. YOU WANNA MESS WITH KELLY AMONTE HILLER, TOO?

Bros, you got a beatdown comin.

Bonus commenter hate

Still so pissed off about that bullshit in bounds late hit call from last year

Couldn't stand seeing Northwestern ranked the rest of the season with such a tainted win on their record.

GAHHH

Thanks, Cuse2012!

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