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Name of the Week: Illinois Edition

Man, I sure am excited to see Northwestern play in both of those Wrigley Field end zones! Should be a great, conventional football match, yessirree! Nobody seems to be complainin' bout it neither!

Anyway, congrats to Marvin McNutt, who ran away with the Name of the Week voting last week, becoming the first ever 100-vote recipient in site history. I'm sorry that the NOTW is coming out on Friday this week, but... it's been a crazy week.

First off, before the runners-up, I'd like to give a shout-out to the Illinois secondary. At one corner is Justin Green, who is boring. But then we have Trulon Henry at free safety, Travon Bellamy at strong safety, and Tavon Wilson at the other cornerback. So their starting secondary, excluding Green, is named Tavon, Travon, and Trulon. That, sirs, is dedication to being awesomely named. Futuristic space aliens will salute this team in future decades, with their dedication to T---on style nameing.I was going to enter them into the Name of the Week poll as one big Travlon entry, but, decided to give them a seperate place of honor.

Now, onto the runners-up: props to sophomore defensive back Joelil Thrash, freshman defensive back Ean Days, sophomore defensive back Ashante Williams - damn, this secondary is awesome - and senior defensive back Antonio Gully - DAMN, THIS SECONDARY IS AWESOME. Now, onto the names.

#14, Miami Thomas: First off, Miami is from Chicago. Errrrr? In other news, if you're going to name your kid after a city, make sure it's a good one. Nobody's going to be friends with Cleveland Thomas, or Detroit Thomas, or East St. Louis Thomas. But Miami? Man, that kid's so cool. If I were a high school basketball recruit, I would want to go play at whatever school Miami was playing at, also, I'd convince the two other best high school basketball recruits to go play there and we'd be huge tools and nobody would like us. Then I could party in the defensive backfield where the heat is on all night on the beach til the break of down, welcome to Miami, bienvenidos a Miami. I'm going to name my kid New York Thomas. Also, his real name is Marcus, which makes this really confusing.

Miami is a city in Florida junior defensive back who has yet to play in the name-crowded secondary.

#28, Tisunge Mkwezalamba: Goodness knows I don't pick on people with non-American names because I'm not culturally insensitive. But Tisunge Mkwezalamba's name is worth 1832970 points in scrabble.

Tisunge, of course, is a defensive back, along with Trulon Henry, Travon Bellamy, Tavon Wilson, Joelil Thrash, Ean Days, Ashante Williams, and Miami Thomas. He is a walk-on and has yet to play.

#20, Fritz Rock: Never fight a man named Fritz Rock. He is the strongest person on the earth, a descendant of David Hasselhoff, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Attilla the Hun. His muscles have their own muscles. He will kill you and make you listen to Rammstein and the song "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by German band Scorpions while you are dead. Then he will kill you again.

Fritz is a freshman defensive back, but has yet to break into the rotation behind Trulon Henry, Travon Bellamy, Tavon Wilson, Joelil Thrash, Ean Days, Ashante Williams, Miami Thomas, and Tisunge Mkwezalamba, all of whom are people who play in the secondary for the University of Illinois.

just realized i accidentally have six names in the poll this week whatever i'm running with it

#96, Wisdom Onyegbule: Wisdom. Gift of the goddess Athena. Also, a first name that lets you know that the person you are talking to is friggin 80000 years old but still strong enough to kick the crap out of you because his name is Wisdom and he knows magical spells that old dude from Harry Potter, NO I DIDN'T SEE THE MOVIE BECAUSE I'M NOT A NERD, and his last name is Onyegbule. Onyegbule. Pronounce it for me. Oh wait, you can't, because you aren't wise enough.

Wisdom is a backup defensive lineman, and has only played in three games. However, he used his wiseness, or as some would say, wisdom, to hop on a loose ball and pick up a fumble recovery during one of those games.

#97, Clay Nurse: Two words. Two nouns. One name that makes no sense, because your last name is Nurse and your first name is Clay and a Clay Nurse would not solve any medical problems.

Clay is a standout defensive end who has registered three sacks on the year, and was on a bunch of preseason All-Big Ten watch lists. He good.

and last year's winner, and my pick for this week...

#85, Whitney Mercilus:

#85, Whitney Mercilus: If my name was Whitney Mercilus, I'd do two things every day: first off, I'd be angry that my name was Whitney, because that's a last name, as evidenced by Eli Whitney, and, well, anybody ever to be named Whitney.

Then, having done that, I'd contemplate showing mercy. But would I? HELL NO. My last name would be pronounced MERCILESS. And therefore, even if all I know about humanity were to dictate that I was in a situation that deserved mercy, you can be sure as all hell that I would not. WHITNEY MERCILUS. A great football name too. Now, if his middle name was "The", I would begin to worship him.

Whitney the Merciless is a backup defensive tackle for the Illini, but has gotten in all ten games, recording 13 tackles, including one sack.

Now vote!