clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Name of the Week, Penn State edition

Penn State was by far the best name class last year. Hands down. I think you'll see why.

Anyway, for the second straight week, congrats to a tight victor in Darqueze Dennard, who DarSqueezed out a 35-33 victory over TyQuan Hammock with Deonte Mack finishing a distant third with 28 votes. Bummer.

Alright, talk about depth here: runners-up include freshman cornerback Stephen Obeng-Agyapong, freshman offensive lineman Khamrone Kolb - Kevin's brother, presumably - freshman defensive end Kyle Baublitz, junior guard De'Ontae Pannell, senior tight end Andrew Szczerba. THESE ARE THE RUNNERS UP.

I thought we were going to be able to for the first time repeat all five names, but, sadly, junior Knowledge Timmons was excused from the team by JoePa. KNOOOOOWLEEEEDGGEEEEEEEEE!!!!! (Damn, it must be cool being named Knowledge.)

#5, Graham Zug: I'll probably get some disagreement on this name, but I can't overlook anybody named Zug. Rise before Zug... now KNEEL BEFORE ZUG.


Graham is a senior wide receiver, he's sixth on the team with seven receptions, but hauled in three catches and a touchdown last week against Michigan.

#85, Ollie Ogbu: Ollie's got some good alliteration going on with that o sound at the beginning of both names. Rolls off the tongue. This one is a throwback to Towson's Tamba Tongu.

Ogbu hasn't been injured all year for the Nittany Lions, so, he has some of the best stats on the team. He's a starting defensive tackle, now a senior, from Staten Island (Wu!) and has 5.5 tackles for loss on the year.

#54, Matt Stankiewitch: Stankonia. Stanky leg. Stankeiwitch. All great innovations on a word that means "this smells, but I'd like to be slightly cooler in the way that I state that it smells than just saying "it stinks."" I picture a really, really bad sandwich, or a witch that gets all the latest dance trends.

Stankyleg has played some backup left guard in his time, and is now a sophomore.

#21, Tariq Tongue: Here's where the great Nittany Lion names begin. Tariq Tongue has a lot going for it, and he's probably a winner most weeks. I mean, you've got the alliteration, the Arabic first name contrasted with the English last name, and the fact that said last name is one of the top five silliest organs in the human body, as in, the one you use for licking things. Heh. Licking. You've got a q without a u after it, and like Ollie Ogbu, it just rolls off the tongue.

Tariq is a redshirt freshman wide receiver. He has yet to play a down for the Lions. Like Ollie Ogbu, and me, he is from the concrete jungle where dreams are made of.

and the incumbent and my pick for name of the week...

#34, Christian Kuntz: Look, people, this is a family site. I don't put words that will startle the children in most of my posts, unless I'm quoting someone. So I'm not going to go into the precise details of why someone's last name being Kuntz is tremendously unfortunate for that human being. But I think you all understand why.

Now, think about how humorous it is to have a name like Kuntz. Think about how much more humorous it is that Kuntz's first name denotes the Christianity of said Kuntz. Ahh yes, Christian Kuntz. The most pious Kuntz in all the land. (mark this post down under "posts that will probably come back to haunt me some day later.") Anyway, we're talking about multiple Kuntz, and talking about how much they revere Jesus. This is what your name is. I mean, it's a step up from Rusty, but it's a baby step.

Christian... Kuntz is a redshirt freshman wide receiver. He has yet to play a snap, but considering they will both graduate in the same class, it is not unlikely to imagine that in four years, Kuntz and Tariq Tongue will both play wide receiver in the same tandem. Yes, Kuntz and Tongue will finally be united, after years of waiting. What. Make your own jokes, I won't do it for you.

Vote. Vote like the wind.