Friday Sips

When I get home late at night, sometimes I feel the urge to stay up late writing posts about collegiate sports so that I can futurepost them bright and early for all the people who have to wake up early. Consider this a gift from me, a person who is blissfully asleep when this is actually being posted. Also, consider it a mechanism of me making sure my brain doesn't hurt in the morning.

• The first, and most important thing, is that as of some mysterious time earlier tonight, Pre Snap Read had Northwestern up in their countdown, checking in at No. 42. Just read it now. Dude seems pretty optimistic at NU, citing our previous success at taking unknowns and slotting them into an offensive system they've spent several years learning - even if they don't have the game experience most season preview people crave so dearly. He predicts eight-plus wins, and just does a really solid job all around. It's what I do, but way shorter and better. No. 42 is also higher than where NU placed last year - 47 - and I believe everything these guys say, so book it: eight-plus wins for Northwestern. I personally predict 24 wins for Northwestern, which falls into the category of "more than eight."
• NU announced two more game times this week. First! Vanderbilt, 6:30 Central. Sweet! Night game! I'll be roadtripping, and a 6:30 game gives me (calculates) (still calculating) 19 hours of morning and afternoon to kill by tailgating. I like tailgating and being at college campuses. I will like this. Second! Rice! 6 PM, central. The downside, no TV whatsoever. This does not please me. I will not like this. You see, as a selfish prick, I think about how these things affect me. For one of these games, I will be there. For one, I most certainly will not be there. The fact that the one I am seeing is on some crappy channel like ESPN3 that isn't actually a channel doesn't disturb me, especially because it means most people will be able to watch it, including any NU student. The other one, I want to watch on television. It will not be there. Sherman mad. It's 2010. Other schools have their spring games broadcast. Texas is working on having their own network. I hear Notre Dame is working on planting an NBC chip inside everybody's brain that streams highlights, the film Rudy, and subliminal messaging that Fighting Irish football is still relevant 24 hours a day. Can we get this game on TV? BTN channel 38, Comcast Sports, WGN, whatever, get it on TV in Chicago. The Blackhawks realized this, they won a Stanley Cup. Come on, Northwestern.
• Also, obligatory "both games are in the south it is hot in the south the players will benefit from the sun not being up because it takes away the advantage of the dudes from vanderbilt and rice because they are more used to sunlight n crap" point here.
• Alas! The time for our celebration of the fantastic Great Britain work of the newly knighted Sir Alex Marcotullio has come to a crashing halt! Last we checked in, Marco Polo had breathtakingly led his team through to the second group stage. In that second group stage, the UK was pitted up against Norway (SCREW YOU NORWAY, SCREW YOU AND YOUR TRAITOROUS MINISTERS), Poland (SCREW YOU POLAND, SCREW YOU AND YOUR COMICAL LACK OF ABILITY TO AVOID GERMAN INVASION) and Slovakia (SCREW YOU, SLOVAKIA, SCREW YOU AND YOUR NEWLY FORMED NATIONALISTIC IDENTITY). Marky Marc sat out the Norway game, but it was aight, for the Brits did Norway like they were Texas A&M-Corpus Christi and beat them 83-47. The next day, against Poland, Alex turned up the fire, dropping 15 on the Poles in a 98-89 victory, had four vowels in his last name, a number which astounded Polish players such as former Duke benchwarmer Olek Czyz. And against the Slovaks, he had his best performance of the tourney, putting down a team high 17 to go along with three boards and three steals in an 82-66 victory. (Oddly enough, the fuel in his last two games was his shooting from within the arc, each time accompanying three treys from downtown.) Great Britain was 4-1, tied for the highest record in the tournament, after the second group stage. Sounds nice, right, bro? YA DEAD WRONG. Only the top four advanced, the top two from each group. Because in GB's group, Austria, Poland, and Great Britain were tied for four, they went to the next tiebreaker - head-to-head victories - then the next tiebreaker - point differential in those head-to-head victories. Thanks to a 20 point loss to Austria, Alex Marcotullio lost his chance to play in the semifinals to fight for FIBA Europe U-20 second division glory. SCREW YOU, FIBA EUROPE. However, he will play two more games in the classification stages for 5-8th place. First up, Portugal (SCREW YOU, PORTUGAL, SCREW YOU AND YOUR LANGUAGE THAT SOUNDS SEXY WHEN SPOKEN BY SEXY BRAZILIAN PEOPLE). Prepare to be Marcotullioized. 
• Big news in the Demps family: first lil Tre commits to Northwestern, then, poppa Dell gets named GM of the New Orleans Hornets. (TRADE CHRIS PAUL TO THE KNICKS PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE) This means that the NBA's Southwest Division currently features a NU parent as a GM and an NU alum. Interestingly, the idea for Tre to go to NU was planted in Dell's skull by Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey a few years ago, after Morey ripped off Dell's then employees, the San Antonio Spurs, by trading the rights to Vassillis Spanoulis and a second-round pick for Luis Scola and game changer Jackie Butler. I have the transcript.

Dell Demps: Damn, Daryl, you ripped us off! I mean, we gave up JACKIE BUTLER. 

Daryl Morey: (lights up a victory cigar) Yup. Jackie, the pride of Coastal Christian Academy, in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Don't worry, I'm sure Vassillis will do great things in your organization.

DD: How did you get to be so good at basketball trades, Daryl?

DM: Well, I'm smart. I went to Northwestern, you see. They taught me how to do math, science, and stuff like that. And also how to have a basketball team missing two players widely considered to be crucial to their success perform well. 

DD: Man, that school must be good at basketball.

DM: (laughs, takes major drag from victory cigar, puts out ashes on picture of rival GM's) No, we're pretty bad. Never made an NCAA touranment.

DD: Intriguing... (ponders) You see, my son, he's always spoken about wanting to do something different. Something great. Something seemingly impossible nobody had ever done before. That's how you get a legacy. Not by going to UNC or Duke, where they'll forget you next week! That's how.

DM: Is that why he's breaking all the rules by following in your footsteps to be a mid-level talented basketball player?

DD: Mid-level? My son's great!

DM: He probably shouldn't go to Northwestern, then. We suck. We always do. (He ashes his victory cigar, and smiles, wryly.) Enjoy Vassillis. He's a great guy. Makes a mean spinakopita. (He chuckles, and saunters away, leaving Demps with something more powerful than the world's deadliest parasite: an idea.) 

• I forget if there's more stuff. Point is, unlike my last 18 posts which were really long and therefore guaranteed to be stockpiled with factual errors, this one has none. Unless there is one, in which case the statement "this post has no factual errors" becomes an additional unfactual statement. I just blew my mind.