Congrats to the four people who got nine out of ten picks in the pick'em pool last week, Str8 Cash, Murph, Givetheballtodunsmore, and NUCats351. If only any of you were smart enough to pick South Dakota over Minnesota. Idiots. Anyway, thanks for making me look stupid, as if I didn't already after picking Penn State over Bama.
Anyway, I really want to go back to sleep so I'm going to start typing words mad fast. Hit the jump!
Massachussetts vs. Michigan
The Minutemen! Get Marcus Camby in there at wide receiver! Anyway, this is a seriously awkward matchup - you're gonna pay a I-AA school to fly out to Michigan from Amherst? Weird - but anyway, UMass is 2-0 and 1-0 in the CAA, so you can pretty much expect them to win. Wait... Michigan is ranked? Oh, my bad. (Wait, Michigan is ranked?) Anyway, good to see this is the only FCS game on the schedule this week for the Big XI.
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: The minuteman is a little bit out of his depth here - have you ever tried shooting a wolverine with a musket? I sure haven't, but it sounds AWESOME and really difficult considering how hard muskets probably are to shoot with any level of accuracy. Normally, any person with a gun can dispatch of a measly wolverine - it's like a dog with fangs - but I think that the wolverine can pull out a w over our patriotic forefathers, considering how hilariously bad their weapons were and the fact that they probably never hunted anything more vicious than a turkey living in Massachussetts. Game, Michigan.
Ohio vs. Ohio State
I love Boo Jackson as much as the next guy, but if you lose to Northwestern two years ago, you probably won't beat Ohio State two years later.
Pick: Ohio State
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: The buckeye: still a nut. Bobcats may not be the wildest of animals, but they are not a legume. Game, Ohio.
Kent State vs. Penn State
Penn State has some reorganizing to do after getting legitimately smacked by a team that is clearly the best in the country. Which means Kent State is about to get legitimately MAC'd.
Pick: Penn State
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: What the hell is a golden flash? Game, Penn State.
Northern Illinois vs. Illinois
Let's have a big ol' get well soon to Jerry Kill. This could actually be a game - Northern Illinois isn't the worst team in the world, and, thanks to Minnesota, Illinois isn't either, but it's pretty bad. Somehow, the oddsmakers are giving the Illini a touchdown, but don't be surprised to see the Huskies coming close and maybe even pulling out the W. That being said, I do have faith that our in-state in-conference brethren pull out the W over a team they out-talent.
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: A husky isn't a great death-fighter. It's good at mushing, but not so great at death-fighting. On the other hand, fighting is apparently all the Fighting Illini does, so, I like his chances. Game, Illinois.
Ball State vs. Purdue
I love underestimating Purdue because of how poorly they've performed against NU since I got to college. But yeah, they'll win, even if I expect 17 Purdue fumbles in the game.
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: Cardinals are tiny and hard to kill because they have wings, but they're never as vicious as various sports team logos make them out to be. The Boilermaker will end up engineering a way into killing that tiny little cute bird, though, and kill he will. Game, Purdue.
USC vs. Minnesota
Your love is like/a lollercoaster baby baby/I wanna ride/yeah... (this song also applies to the Minnesota Golden Gophers who are very very similar to the lollercoaster referenced in the song.)
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: The Trojans may be stupid enough to let in giant wooden horses, but they aren't stupid enough to lose to a furry woodland creature, assuming the woodland creature isn't adept at building large wooden structures capable of fitting soldiers inside of them. Game, USC.
Arizona State vs. Wisconsin
It's really weird realizing that Wisconsin is definitely one of the top 15 teams in the nation, especially after playing two sub-par team and not doing horrific things to either, but neither game was ever really in question, and neither will this one. By the way, what's up with Wisconsin scheduling only crappy teams from west of the Phoenix area in their non-con?
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: A Sun Devil is a lot like a regular devil, but you can beat it by wearing SPF 30 on the beach, so it's not that scary. But it is scary to something as pitiful as a badger. Those things aren't scary at all. The Sun Devil can thrust a 2000ºF pitchfork through that sack of bones any day of the week, as far as I can tell. Game, ASU.
Indiana vs. Western Kentucky
As aforementioned, the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers are Sippin' on Purple's official secondary team to root for, because if they don't win one of the next 12 games, NU loses its only claim to fame, our all-time NCAA I-A consecutive losses streak. I voted in the poll below that I think WKU will pull out the victory, but, on the real? They don't have a chance in hell, even against the Indiana Hoosiers.
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: It's always easier to fight from a high ground, as pretty much every war ever can tell you - yeah, Battle of Gettysburg knowledge! - but the Hilltoppers don't have much else going for them. First off, a Hilltopper isn't an actual noun. Second off, their mascot is a gigantic red version of Grimace from McDonalds, which a) is a terrible mascot and b) makes me want to get a double quarter pounder because I haven't eaten yet today. Point being, the Hoosier will pummel the life out of that poor little miscolored McDonalds bro, probably while a randomly orange version of the Hamburglar watches.
Notre Dame vs. Michigan State
Nothing in the world is worse than the glorification of the Notre Dame-Michigan game last week, which, although a good game, was not relevant in the slightest way possible. Michigan State didn't do what they could've against FAU last week, but: NOTRE DAME IS NOT THAT GOOD. Hopefully this proves that, instead of making Michigan State into a randomly great team because they beat a team that almost beat Michigan who are apparently the victors valiant and the champions of the west all of a sudden.
Pick: Michigan State
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: Two people who like fightin from very different parts of the world and time periods. As always, the Spartan is just gonna be more powerful and better organized, especially against a potential leprechaun whose main skill is bare-knuckle boxing. Game, MSU.
Iowa vs. Arizona
I like it when Iowa wins so I can totally get my smarm on when we beat them.
Pick in a mascot fight to the death: Still not sure what a hawkeye is. Very sure what a Wildcat is. This is a preview of the Northwestern-Iowa mascot death fight, and, hint, it'll turn out the same way. Game, Arizona.