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Name of the Week: Illinois State Edition

Names! Names! Names! Names! Names! Everybody has names!

First off, congrats to last week's winner Justin Cabbagestalk, who earned a site-high 50 votes to earn the victory, fending off Adam Smotherman, who had 38. Sadly, my horse in the race, Charlie Goro, came in second to last with only seven votes, meaning only six of you will listen to me when I preach the words of truth. Sad.

Secondly, I expect an apology from Northwestern's athletic department for scheduling Illinois State this year and not last year, when their second leading running back was none other than Geno Blow. Geno Blow isn't a great name - in fact, by some standards it isn't even a good name. But, dammit, it would be the best name in this field by a long shot. Mr. Blow - presumably Joe's brother - is blessed with the last name of "blow", which, of course, is one of the most multifaceted words in the English language, being able to refer to a variety of things I'd rather not do. Sadly, Geno up and graduated, leaving us with a rather unsavory class. (Towson didn't have a particularly great name crew either - maybe the reduced number of scholarships has to do with it, or maybe great talent in the name department simply draws a higher class of recruiting.) I've determined that there are only three names worthy of submission to the voters this week - you can check out their roster, I hope you'll agree with me. (I also haven't endorsed any of the candidates, although I will note who has my vote.)

#52, Tacius Pierre-Louis: I'm a big fan of Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, because of his awesome ability to have a name which is actually just three first names. But I think what Tacius has done is somehow even more impressive: he has two first names in his name, but neither of them are his actually his first name. Tacius is not a first name you hear every day. I assumed it was the name of like a Roman general or something, because it sounds like the type of thing you'd name a Roman general, but, well, it's not. It's definitely not a Haitian name, which is what it sounds like "Pierre-Louis" is.

Tacius is a freshman linebacker who will likely redshirt, so, don't expect to hear his name on the PA Saturday.

#53, Xzavier Stewart: Look, it's easy for me. You name your kid "Xzavier", they're getting in the Name of the Week. Depending on your viewpoint, Xzavier is even better than last year's Xzavian Brandon from Minnesota. It's worse because Xzavian is slightly crazier, but better because there is a high probability that Xavier is already a pretty cool name as is: it starts with an X, and Xavier McDaniel was named that, and everybody called him "the X-Man". (Xavier Nady - less cool.) And then, they took that already good name, and said, "hey, how can I make this name more like the name of famed rapper Xzibit", and then they did exactly that thing. So, that's how they got Xzavier. P.S. Xzibit if you're reading this, I'm your biggest fan. (The odds Xzibit is reading this are almost negligible.)

As for Xzavier, he transferred to ISU after two years of relative obscurity at Kansas State, where he only played three games. (Interestingly, he received an offer from Minnesota, meaning he could've teamed up with Xzavian.) He's only been a spot contributor to the d-line at ISU, with no career starts, although he has played in every game and recorded two sacks. He didn't rack up any stats against Central Missouri, but he's listed as a backup defensive tackle and will likely play again against Northwestern.

#24, Kelvyn Hemphill: Kelvyn took a time-honored strategy, and when I say "time-honored", I mean, "the guy above it has it", and by "strategy", I mean "his name is just a normal name with one of the last two letters of the alphabet inserted where it shouldn't be". Also, a hemphill is a giant pile of unsmokable weed rope.

Kelvyn is ISU's senior starting free safety, and a pretty damn good one: he's started all but three games of his career, and earned preseason all-conference recognition at the safety spot. He has two career picks and racked up three tackles last week against Central Missouri.

So there you go. A down week, but a week nonetheless, and it's on you to crown the champ. Go forth and prosper.

Personally, I'm voting for Tacius, but that's a matter of my preference for names that could equally apply to Roman conquerors or black dudes, which is why I plan on naming my kid Marcus.