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Name of the Week: Michigan State Edition

Hope you enjoyed giving thanks. One thing I'm thankful is parents who name their kids awesome things. Thanks, parents.

Let us congratulate the finest of wild west brothel owners, Shady Salamon, on his repeat victory as Minnesota's Name of the Week. Mr. Salamon retires - incidentally, most likely to a retirement home with the word "Shady" in it, such as "Shady Springs" or "Shady Acres" - as a three-time Name of the Week champion, a feat which has not been accomplished and may never yet again be accomplished. (Sorry for removing you from the running, Christian Kuntz, it just wasn't fair.)

Michigan State makes other schools look like their players don't even have names. That's how good their names are. Runners-up include running back Le'Veon Bell, the Joneses, Jairus and Chinese Taipei Taiwan, the confusing Takudzwa Kubvoruno, and offensive tackle Micajah Reynolds. I promise you we're just getting started.

The rest of the names are down there.

No. 36, Arjen Colquhoun: Arjen is not Dutch, nor is he a dread sea monster introduced to the science fiction realm by H.P. Lovecraft. Yelling his name at loud volumes in a vaguely pirate-y accent will make your life slightly more enjoyable for about 30 seconds.

Arjen is a freshman cornerback who is redshirting. He waits dreaming in his house at East Lansing.

No. 89, Shilique Calhoun: Shilique is what happens when you want to name your son after a famous athlete but your scrabble tile is out of the letter "a" and also you're dyslexic.

Shil the Thrill is a freshman defensive end, who is currently redshirting.

No. 49, TyQuan Hammock: Hammock is the three time winner of MSU's "most comfortable linebacker" award. His first name is actually short for "Tae Kwon Do", an art in which Hammock is a red belt.

TyQuan is a

No. 31, Darqueze Dennard: I've always loved the alliterative factor of "Darqueze", but was deeply disturbed to find out that it's pronounced "dar-kez" as opposed to "dar-keeze", as I had assumed. Still, Darqueze Dennard. He won last year, so, you clearly appreciate double D Darqueze's steez.

Darqueze is a starter at cornerback at one side as a sophomore. He brought in his first career pick this year against Ohio State.

No. 52, Denzel Drone: From last year:

Apparently MSU took Denzel Washington, star of such films as Inside Man, American Gangster, and my personal favorite film of all-time (you think I'm joking, but I'm not) He Got Game, removed his soul, and set him loose as a brainless killing machine. Because this Denzel Drone they have is a defensive end. He may not have a soul or feelings, but his acting skills and lady-seduction-abilities are up and running, ready to make you think he has a soul, whereas in fact, he is a heartless, mindless, sexy robot. Be worried, people.

This year, MSU has put Denzel's mindless sexy skills to work as a reserve defensive end, a spot where he's played every game including two starts. He forced a key safety against Wisconsin and picked off a pass against Wisconsin, but then again, who hasn't.

No. 11, Juwan Caesar: Act One, Scene One, The Tragedy of Juwan Caesar, by William Shakespeare:

Official: "Gentlemen of Rome, terrible news! Our leader, Julius Caesar, has been stabbed! (Gasps, panic) He shall be succeeded by his only heir... uh... Am I reading this right? (turns around, someone nods assuringly at him) Juwan. Juwan Caesar. Juwan, incidentally, is the only black person any of us have ever seen.

Juwan Caesar: Sup, this Juwan Caesar baby!


Juwan Caesar: Hell yeah! Hail me! THIS! IS! (uncomfortable silence) Y'all ain't gonna finish? THIS! IS! SPARTA!

Official: Uh... this is Rome. We conquered Sparta shortly after the Punic Wars.

Juwan Caesar: Same thing, know what I'm saying? Y'all seen that movie 300? That's why I came here, man. That's what I told Coach Dantonio when he came to my house: I'm like that Leonidas dude but with a 4.4 40. How you gonna stop that when they give me one of them helmets with the stuff on top, Michigan? Huh? Ayo, everybody, SPARTANS, WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION! Am I right? That was crazy, man. (complete silence) What? Did you guys not like that movie? I thought it was hot.

Octavius: Hey, I'm that dead guy's adopted nephew. I heard you needed an emperor.

Official: THE NEW EMPEROR, OCTAVIUS! (minutes of non-stop applause)


Juwan, in addition to being the least popular Emperor of all time, is a freshman wide receiver who is currently redshirting.