So, there's this thing called social media. It's what all the cool kids are doing, and Northwestern is one of the cool kids. They added a feature on the NUsports.com athletic site that allows you to "like" any page on the website. (hey, it's the same as my website! like things do it do it do it peer pressure peer pressure peer pressure)
It looks like this:
Well played, Jonah Rosenblum.
Anyways, I find this unintentionally hilarious, because it has unwittingly transformed the NU athletics website into a popularity contest which apparently has no basis in anything. I don't know who all these people are who are actually going around and unironically liking NU athlete's profile pages, but they have absolutely fascinating tastes.
After the jump, we'll solve some of the questions surrounding NU sports by virtue of who is most popular.
Hey, Facebook, who should start at quarterback for Northwestern?
Facebook: KAIN COLTER. Dan Persa and Evan Watkins can battle it out for second place but quite frankly competition is futile.
Hey, Facebook, is Bill Carmody any good?
Facebook: No.
Hey, Facebook, who is the best player on Northwestern's basketball team?
Facebook: Reggie Hearn is like, twice as good as Juice Thompson and John Shurna. If you took Juice Thompson and John Shurna and combined them into one super-good player, he would only be a little bit better than Reggie Hearn.
Hey Facebook, if Bill Carmody isn't a good coach, who should coach Northwestern?
Facebook: Duh, this guy:
Hey, Facebook, who should start at center for Northwestern?
Facebook: BOTH.
THEY ARE INDISTINGUISHABLE AND EQUALLY GOOD.
Hey, Facebook, who should play running back for Northwestern?
Facebook: Some guy who even you, as a guy who writes a blog about Northwestern sports and also is the sports editor of the student paper, literally was unaware of as an athlete on Northwestern's football team is exactly as good as Mike Trumpy, who any reasonable person thinks should start.
Hey, Facebook, who should have kicked for Northwestern last year?
Facebook: Well, I'm not crazy.
Thus ends Sippin' on Purple's experiment in making fun of social media. Now, feel free to tamper with these rankings and make them even more unrealistic.