IT'S BIG TEN MEDIA DAY. FOOTBALL SEASON. YEZZIR.
Sadly, I'm not in Chicago right now. I'm in New York, about 800 miles from Big Ten media day. If I could be, I'd be there, but... I'm here. In my room. Crying and watching ESPN3 because I don't get BTN here in New York. (Join me! Consider this a BT Media Days open thread.)
However, allow me to reintroduce myself blatantly rip off an idea already knocked out the park by Maize N Brew (as well as EDSBS and tell you what I wish I could ask were I there to each coach. (Note: Dear Big Ten, I want to go to basketball media days and this is a joke, sincerely, Rodger, p.s., this is a joke, p.p.s., I've been there before and resisted the opportunity to screw things up too bad although I did refer to E'Twaun Moore as JaJuan Johnson (they had the wrong placards in front of them) and had a really awkward conversation with Todd Lickliter where I introduced myself as working for the Daily Northwestern and he spent like 30 seconds talking about how hard it must be to get in/go to Northwestern and asking me about the school before I could proceed to ask him how hard it was to coach when everybody transfers out of your program.) This obviously isn't as good/funny as Dave's or Spencer's post, but it's Northwestern-centric. Seriously, I just re-read this after writing it and it's painfully bad, and especially embarrassing because I generally come with my own good ideas and this was a rare thing I blatantly ripped off and it turned out really awful. (Also, sorry it takes a while to get into the Legends conference.) Anyway, comment along if you're watching on ESPN3.
1:00: Coach Fitz:
How is the recover of Dan Persa coming along? IS HE ALIVE TELL US ABOUT HIM HOW IS HE DOING DO YOU HAVE VIDEOS OF HIM WALKING OR JOGGING TELL US TELL US PLEASE
What is your current intensity levAGHHHHHHH (instantly catches on fire)
You're under contract until 2020, and people say they want to make you into Northwestern's Joe Paterno. Look, coach, I'm a lost cause, I'm already a Northwestern fan, I've been here three years and I'm sick of it and I can't get out of it, but you... you can make something of yourself. Leave. Leave now. Leave before I beg you to stay.
Tell us about your relationship with "NU Alumni - Class of 2002". How far back do you guys go? Does it alarm here that the reporter to my left wearing a trenchcoat, fedora, and pretending to read a newspaper with two eyeholes in it who none never seen before is actually a trained assassin he sent to follow you?
11 AM: Ron Zook
Northwestern's Pat Fitzgerald recently signed a contract until 2020. Can you do that with Illinois? Please?
After seeing the potential hazards of overworking players after to the rhabdo scandal at Iowa, do you regret letting Mikel Leshoure run 330 yards against Northwestern?
11:15: Bret Bielema
Bring lube next time? Please?
11:30: Danny Hope
Northwestern and Purdue were "rivals" since Penn State entered the conference before the entrance of Nebraska. Now that that's over, can you explain how in any way shape or form that made sense, now that you're paired up against your bitter enemy Iowa in the cross-conference system?
On second thought, how does it feel to be coach of a college football team without any real rivals? I mean, I go to Northwestern and I'm asking you this. That's kinda sad.
Dude, if you marry Hope Solo, her name will be "Hope Hope", right? I bet that pickup line will work. She's hot. Go for it.
Noon: Luke Fickell
Due to the Terrelle Pryor scandal, Ohio State football isn't going to be as successful as Ohio State basketball this year. Doesn't that make you jealous? Jealous enough to tell us all the secrets you know about all the dirty ways Ohio State recruited Jared Sullinger and then the NCAA has to suspend him forever? Tell us now.
12:15: Kevin Wilson
You coached and were an offensive coordinator at Northwestern under Randy Walker, and have added former NU WR coach Kevin Johns and former Northwestern RB Noah Herron to your staff. I'm wearing a neon baseball hat now. Can I expect you to be wearing one in three weeks?
12:30: Joe Paterno
Tell us about the 1949 Rose Bowl that Northwestern won. Seriously. You were a quarterback at Brown and won seven games that year. Like, you remember the event everybody jokes about having taken place a long time ago. This isn't a joke. I'm asking you seriously. Everybody has already made a joke about you being old. It's not funny anymore. Okay, it's kind of funny.
Have you chatted with Christian Kuntz about his Sippin' on Purple Name of the Year victory? Follow-up, was having the last name "Kuntz" consiered funny, you know, when you were young?
1:15: Brady Hoke
Is it more annoying to hear that it's been 2803 days since Michigan beat Ohio State or to hear that its been 1,398 days since Michigan beat Northwestern?
What's your favorite Josh Groban song?
1:30: Bo Pelini
One question, for the "which school gets to be NU" title: complete the following line from Mo Greene's seminal work "Go U NU": Go U, NU, ______. You have 30 seconds. (wait 30 seconds of sheer silence) I rest my case.
I've tried calling people from Nebraska "Nebroskans" on two occasions and they're all confused. I'm going to call you "Bro Pelini" and see if your head explodes. (head explodes).
2:00: Kirk Ferentz
Can you recite the alphabet? Start with "U".
If Iowa fans refer to every opponent as "just" and then the school game, is there any karmic way Iowa won't go 0-12? As a test run, how do you think you'll get through just Tennessee Tech in the season opener?
Look, you have like three more important rivalries than Northwestern, but as a Northwestern fan, this whole beating Iowa thing is kind of all we have. Can you, like, throw the game? Please. As a favor?
2:15: Jerry Kill
I know a lot of these jokes have been pretty bad, but, I mean, Minnesota is devoid of joke material, it's just kinda depressing. You kinda look like a walrus.
2:30: Mark Dantonio
I've been at Northwestern three years, and yours is the only team NU has played three times and lost to three times. You know what? You're a jerk.
Will it be tough to contend for a bowl game without the arm of punter Aaron Bates?