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Returning from Vacation Sips: What Happened While I Was Away

I'm back from my posting hiatus - thanks to Loretta8 and Herman for running the ship while I was gone. Herman actually interviewed people, which personally makes me worried for my job safety.

Anyway, a really disturbing amount of things happened in the past week considering its still August, but holy crap there's only ten days til football? Jesus. This is very exciting. Had I been in front of a computer, I woulda written stuff about these things, but instead I just got a tan and watched telenovelas with my grandma. 


  • Northwestern foolishly, impudently, obdurately decided not to paint its basketball court purple. Luckily, I had already written posts for both scenarios before my trip. (The post if NU decided to go purple was a piece of free verse writing that quoted heavily from T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land".) The Evanston riots that followed were horrific and I take full responsibility and urge you all to continue. Today's rioting tip: when throwing Molotovs, go for buildings with large plate glass windows so that the press can take more dramatic photos. I recommend the libes, McTrib, and Allison Dining Hall. Also, to any readers that may or may not be in Waluigi Squad, THE ROOSTER IS NO LONGER IN THE HAYSTACK. I REPEAT, THE ROOSTER IS NO LONGER IN THE HAYSTACK.
  • Northwestern went to camp in Kenosha and then at the Great Lakes Naval Base. Unfortunately, none of us were there, so, kinda pointless, huh?
  • Northwestern's No. 1 running back is purportedly Jacob Schmidt. The overwhelming silliness of this is difficult to describe, because, outside of catching passes and blocking, there's nothing that indicates Schmidt to be a better running back than his new backups, Adonis Smith and Mike Trumpy. I hope it's a motivational ploy. Remember: Schmidt fumbled the ball four times in 49 carries last year. That's like a one-in-12 chance of the ball hitting the ground. Add in his 14 receptions and it still leaves you wondering whether Schmidt's method of keeping his hands warm on the sideline involves dipping them into a butter churn. Now, note: if I was a Big Ten running back, I would fumble the ball literally every time I got tackled. But I also wouldn't want me to start over Mike Trumpy, so, there.
  • Northwestern also commits violations! Good to hear. I was starting to think NU was like the A.C. Green of committing violations, or Mormon. But the best we can do is responding to texts from people we don't know? Now if only we could get some hookers to start texting NU from unknown numbers, we could really have something here.
  • Northwestern is painting a 44-foot-tall Fitz on a mural on the south tower at Ryan Field. TOUCHDOWN FITZ. I always got the sense that Fitz is a lot like Jesus, but more smitey.
  • Dan Persa has a limp. Coach Fitz says it's more like a pimp walk. Either way, crap. First off, if it's a pimp walk, pimping is different from the Shapiro scandal, but still totally improper benefits - what would prevent school boosters that are also hookers from hooking exclusively for scholarship athletes to earn them money on the side when they could just as easily sell their bodies for other people? Second off, not to bury the lede, but I'm more and more convinced every day that Dan Persa's 12-14 month recovery will actually take 12-14 months, and not the 10 we somehow expect. I think Kain Colter will take the majority of snaps at BC. There. I said it.
  • On that front, BC running back Montel Harris is injured and we can breathe more easily. Andre Williams, his backup, is also injured, but not as badly, then again, he still has a week to get injured again which isn't totally impossible judging from what happens in BC practices. They also dismissed starting safety Okechukwu Okoroha, which I just typed without looking!
  • Mike Kafka and Tyrell Sutton have each had dope preseasons thus far. Kafka is looking like the No. 2 guy ahead of Vince Young in Philly and put up two touchdowns on the Pittsburgh third-stringers - a unit that included Corbin Bryant, and Sutton had a TD against Miami. I have one in each of my fantasy leagues.
  • SB Nation has an iPhone app coming out!
  • Also, The SB Nation Conference Re-Draft finished with... Northwestern. Yes, we are Mr. Irrelevant. Makes sense, doesn't it? We were drafted by... BC Interruption and the Twelve Pack. This love-hate relationship with BCI has got to stop. By which I mean, screw them, I hope all the bad things in the world happen to them and only them.