BOOM
THERE'S FOOTBALL GOING ON AND THAT MEANS THERE'S NAMES TO DISSECT.
We've gotten to the point in our lives where pretty much every guy with a college football site does some silly all-name team or something. I HATE ALL THESE PEOPLE. No, I didn't invent this. But it's my way of getting in touch with our upcoming opponents and I've been doing it for three years now. And most importantly, these people suck at it. YOU CAN'T MAKE A LIST OF BEST NAMES IN THE BIG TEN AND NOT INCLUDE CHRISTIAN KUNTZ MERELY BECAUSE HIS NAME IS HIGHLY OFFENSIVE.
Anyway, names. Runners up this week are a rare pair of triple names, linebacker Kevin Pierre-Louis and defensive back Al Louis-Jean, and running back Rolandan Finch, on account of Rolandan being not a name. BCdoesn't have the most depth at the name position, but they have strength where it counts.
The nominees are waiting for you after the jump
No. 37, Hampton Hughes, S: Besides the fact that "Hampton" isn't a real name - it's an inn, a city in Virginia, an HBCU, and when pluralized is where all the rich people from Manhattan go on the weekends, but it isn't a real first name - I'm pretty sure without looking it up that "Hampton Hughes" is HHH's fake wrestler name from his original storyline in WWE where he was a preppy who insisted on proper etiquette.
On the field, Double H is a starting safety now after being converted from wide receiver a few weeks ago and is the reason for any yikes-ing about BC's defense.
No. 49, Steele Divitto, LB: When Steele was three, his father, who could bench 400 and squat 580 and walked around everywhere he went holding a dude's arm that he ripped directly out of the dude's socket during a fight and a big sign that said "DON'T BOTHER ASKING ME, I RIPPED THIS ARM OFF A DUDE IN A FIGHT AND I'LL DO IT TO YOU AS WELL" and therefore was convinced naming his child "Steele" was a good idea, bought a warehouse. He didn't buy this warehouse to store things in, he bought it as a canvas. He took his shirt off, oiled his muscles up until they were a nine on the "Rambo Murdery Muscle Glisten Coefficiency Scale" which defines muscle glisten, and shot holes in an exterior wall of the warehouse. These holes spelled out the following:
LIST OF POTENTIAL PROFESSIONZ FOR MY SON STEELE WHO I NAMED STEELE BECAUSE I'M A BADASS AND HE WILL BE TOO, ALSO I SPELLED PROFFESSIONZ WITH A Z INTENTIONALLY, BADASS
1.. SPECIAL OPS MURDER GUY W/ MOTORCYCLE
2. TOTALITARIAN DICTATOR
3. PORN ACTOR (NO GAY STUFF THOUGH OR I'LL INVENT A TIME MACHINE TO KILL MYSELF BEFORE CONCEIVING YOU)
4. LINEBACKER
5. X GAMES INVENTOR WAIT DID THEY INVENT THOSE ALREADY I'M OUT OF COKE
Long story short, the man of Steele is a linebacker. He played sparingly as a freshman last year but assumes the strong-side starting spot abandoned by Mark Herzlich last year.
and my pick for the winner...
No. 7, Spiffy Evans, WR: Spiffy.
The word "spiffy" means "smart in appearance", according to the dictionary, but it means so much more. When I tell someone they look spiffy, it means I have given them literally the highest appearance-related compliment we can comfortably give one another without pause. It means they're wearing something I would probably look ridiculous in, but they pull it off smoothly. This is the dude who looks suave in a bow tie. It's basically a level below propositioning them. Also, nobody has seriously used the word "spiffy" since 1958.
Spiffy Evans is presumably so consistently in this state of spiffiness that people could no longer bother calling him by his birth name, Curtric. "Damn, Curt, looking spiffy today!" was a common saying. One day he was wearing the green suit JerShon Cobb wore without looking like a pimp, some Mad Men-y nonsense the day after. He was dressed to impress on like Tuesday at 3 p.m. This happened so often, people got tired of the extra verbiage. "Screw it," they thought. "Curt is so frequently spiffy, we might as well just call him Spiffy". His remarkable knack for sharp dress became his defining characteristic, even in non-sharp dressing scenarios. He'd show up to football practice in a t-shirt and shorts and yet still, he was Spiffy. And all this happened decades after the final serious usage of the word "spiffy" in 1958. This man deserves a million rounds of applause and the underwear of the womenfolk thrown onstage. This man deserves the Name of the Week.