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Sippin' on Purple's Compendium of Kain Colter Nicknames


It's apparent that Kain Colter has taken the Northwestern football community by storm. Three weeks ago, we were expecting Northwestern's season to be #persastrong. Instead, the sophomore speedster showed he can actually play quarterback, getting NU a W on the road at Boston College. 

We have a dilemma, and it's a good one: Colter is absurdly nicknameable. Whereas I feel we all forced unnecessary and bad nicknames on Persa - the Prince of Persa? Really? - Colter is gifted with a name that lends itself to all sort of innovation. Being named Kain is pretty much the best thing that can happen to a person. 

This leaves us the student section with a lot of things to yell while watching Colter do good things. Most are good, some are great. I have detailed them after the jump.

Hurrikain Colter: HERE I AM. ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRIKAIN. It's pretty hard to look past this one, because it implies that Kain is a vicious maelstrom of quarterbacking.

Big Daddy Kain: When Kain Colter runs, there ain't no half-steppin:

Any conversation about the greatest MC's of all time has to include Big Daddy Kane. Stereotypes about 1980's rap music are often true: the rhymes are extremely basic and always about dumb things and being really happy all the time. Although Kane had all the accoutrements of the 1980's rapper - the high-top fade, the four-finger ring - he sounds years ahead of his time. Technically, his multi-syllabic rhymes - evaporate/rapper's great - and strings of similar-sounding words - break em and rake em and take em al salaam alaykum - belong more in an Eminem verse than the Sugar Hill Gang. And content-wise, Kane is just looking to eviscerate every other MC with his punch lines while everybody else was just rapping about hanging out in a park or whatever. It's been over 20 years, and his punch lines still get reactions from me. He was also one of the first rappers to realize that rapping about boning is a spectacular idea, as most of his songs are about boning. (His name is "Big Daddy Kane".) He definitely has a pretty 1980's flow - slow and with awkward segues from the last line inserted in for no real reason - but he works it well. The fact that Marley Marl wasn't a bad producer is noteworthy.

Anyway, Big Daddy Kain. Pimping ain't easy. 

Danity Kain: This doesn't really refer to Colter, but rather to the eventual two-headed QB tandem monster between Dan Persa and Colter. (Also suggested: Colter Persanality.) You see, Danity Kane was one of the worst ideas ever: P. Diddy is famous for being friends with the Notorious B.I.G. and has really nothing else going for him yet is insanely famous and wealthy. (He also had some awesome songs written for him, my favorite of which is "Bad Boy 4 Life".) For some reason, he's of the belief that he can make random musicians famous. As the guys from It's the Real noted, he's been extraordinarily unsuccessful - apologies to any fans of Mase, Shyne, Loon, Mario Winans, and Black Rob reading the site. One of his extraordinary unsuccesses was Making the Band 3, which saw Diddy put together a girl group, except almost ten years after the Spice Girls and Destiny's Child and all of those groups. Danity Kane was like a third-rate Pussycat Dolls.

The question for Persa and Colter: do do you have a first aid kit?

Coltergeist: This one doesn't make any sense, but at least it sounds cool. Unless you think Kain Colter is some sort of creepy ghost.

Colt .45: Colt .45 is the best of all things. It's a gun, which makes sense, you know, because Kain Colter plays quarterback and throws things, and guns and throwing are the same thing. It's also a 40. Few, if any, things surpass my passion for malt liquor. The only reason this isn't a perfect nickname is because his number isn't 45. Work on that, Kain.

House of Kain: Technically, this refers to Ryan Field. But still. Note that we're referring to the general concept of houses of pain, not the rap group that inspires Wisconsonians to Jump Around and burn off all those cheese curd calories or Tyler Perry's House of Payne. 

The Kain Event: Not really accurate as long as Kain is splitting time at QB, but, still, the Kain Event.

Running Kain: Not really a nickname - a verb, as in "Kain Colter is running train on the Michigan defense" which can be shortened to "he's running Kain on the Michigan defense."

Y'alls' suggestions and preferences will be appreciated in the comments.