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Name of the Week: Eastern Illinois Edition


This week kind of got screwed up with all the posts getting pushed back because of Labor Day and also there being too many posts to write. But whatevs, just keep reading them, punks.

Congrats to last weeks' winner, the eminently well-dressed one, Spiffy Evans, who sadly didn't get his redshirt burned against Northwestern.

I'm actually shocked at the depth of Eastern Illinois' name pool. Thanks to their lesser amount of scholarships available, FCS schools typically don't have great name depth: In 2009, all Towson brought was Tamba Tongu, last year, Illinois State only had three names, of which the winner was Xzavier Stewart, who, besides a well placed "z", wasn't that great.

However, Eastern Illinois doesn't mess around. I opened a possible all-time record NINETEEN windows while scrolling down EIU's roster. I expanded the typical five-man poll to a whopping eight contestants due to the extraordinary circumstances.

Here are the many, many honorable mentions, and do not feel ashamed: they truly are honorable: not a real person and defensive end Judes Amlicar, junior wide receiver Chavar Watkins (yes, somebody named "Chavar" didn't make it), junior tight end Von Wise, junior defensive tackle Roosevelt Holliday - V-J Day? - freshman wide receiver and character in a Brontë novel Jourdan Wickliffe, diminutive sheepsman and freshman running back Shepherd Little, fellow freshman RB Reggie Box, junior defensive tackle and not a typo Jerone Williams, and freshman "athlete" - that's his position - Trey Pendergrass, possibly related to Teddy.


Names after the jump.

No. 94, Timotheus Granger: TIMOTHEUS. CONQUEROR AND MASTER OF THE REGULAR TIMOTHIES. You probably think this is just some megalomaniac parents taking "Timothy" and trying to make it all fancy. But nah, Timotheus is a real name ancient Greek dudes and obscure Bible characters had. One time, in sixth grade, one of his friends harmlessly said to Timotheus Granger, "hey, Tim, wanna trade my-." What the child wanted to trade Granger is unknown, for at that moment Granger, momentarily cloaked in a robe of flames, rose up and in the voice of a full-grown adult boomed "YOU SHALL CALL ME TIMOTHEUS" and ripped his friend's head off with his bare hands and hung it by the little red flag on his mailbox that's supposed to indicate you have mail or something (I don't have a mailbox with a little red flag on it because I'm from New York). Nobody has called him Tim since.

Timotheus is a freshman defensive end who didn't play against ISU, and will presumably redshirt.

No. 30, Pat Cox: A verb and a noun which could imply gently tapping a chicken on the head.

Patty C is a defensive back transferred from NIU to pursue a career in cock-patting. but hasn't played yet for the Panthers.

No. 40, Keithan Hedrick: Other names considered: Toddar, Johnab, Georgeip. Or maybe just couldn't decide between "Keiran" and "Keith".

Keithan is a sophomore defensive back who hasn't played yet, but let's stop making fun of him, because he's a really impressive kid.

No. 10, Randolph Tribble: I'm not sure what it is, but something about the name "Tribble" means I couldn't be mad at Randolph Tribble. I think of all the names I've ever seen, "Randolph Tribble" is pretty genuinely the cuddliest.

Don't try cuddling with Randolph Tribble, though - he's a junior cornerback, who has played mainly on special teams thus far in his career. He's also on EIU's track team.

No. 98, Fedney Delphonse: Normally, when I come across someone whose name isn't a real name - in fact, in Fedney's case, neither "Fedney" nor "Delphonse" is a particularly common name - I say something like "this is an alien name" or "this is just a random jumble of letters". But with Fedney, this isn't really the case: Fedney clearly isn't a name humans use, but... doesn't it kind of sound like a name English speakers could use? I imagine that in an alternate universe where human history unfurled exactly the same way as it has on Earth, all the way down to us having the same exact language as we do, including English, but names were completely different, I'd imagine there would be lots of people named "Fedney Delphonse". It's just that nobody has done it because we don't name our children Fedney because that would be weird. I just hope he doesn't get same-sex married to Tyus Edney and become named Fedney Edney, because that would suck.

Fedney is a freshman defensive end who will likely redshirt judging from his lack of playing time against ISU.

No. 32, Artavious Dowdell: For example, Artavious Dowdell is definitely an alien name.

Dowdell is a preseason all-OVC defensive end who had three tackles and a pass breakup against ISU.

No. 46, Gordy Kickels: Gordy! Gordy Kickels isn't the name given to Will Ferrell's old-timey prospector character, but it very well could have been. He definitely says "dawwwwww fiddlesticks!" a lot, for example, when he misses tackles. Either way, he's adorable but probably doesn't shower often.

Gordy is a team captain who starts at middle linebacker. He recovered a fumble against ISU.


When not disappointing bar mitzvah boys across the country by playing Norah Jones and Diana Krall when they were hoping for "Party Rock Anthem", DJ is a second-string cornerback who redshirted last year but recorded four tackles and a QB hurry week one against ISU.