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Name of the Week: Minnesota

Names including Sahr Ngekia, Augustine Pupungatoa, Foster Bush, and Isaac Hayes!

Jesse Johnson-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

Names n stuff!

Congrats to Matt Stankiewitch for winning the Penn State name of the week as a senior. There was a surprising charge by Reynolds Parthemore - whose father or brother or male cousin tweeted about Reynolds' participation in the poll - but Stanky took 74 votes, beating Reynolds, who had 59.

Let's hit this week's batch of names. Runners up include Duke Anyanwu, Jimmy Gjere, Drew Goodger, Yoshoub Timms, and Cavonte Johnson

No. 88, Maxx Williams, TE: Max Williams is a pretty boring name. Maxx Williams is a pretty EXTREME name. My only regret is that Maxx went past his tribute to T.J. and went for MAXXX, STAR OF BOTH PORN AND ACTION MOVIES.

Dos Equis is a tight end who was ranked the No. 7 player in Minnesota, but he hasn't played yet, probably because of how much time he's spent flexing his bis while holding knives.

No. 87, Sahr Ngekia, TE: There's a nearly 150 percent chance Sahr Ngekia is a member of the League of Shadows.

Sahr's a junior tight end who still has yet to play for the Gophers.

No. 60, Augustine Pupungatoa, OL: I wasn't going to pick on this guy because of his last name - or maybe I was - because Polynesian names have become pretty run of the mill in football. But Augustine? Augustine Pupungatoa? Love the contrast between a name only held by saints and 1800's congressmen (probably) and "Pupungatoa". Also,the first part sounds like "poopoo". Hahahahaha.

Augie is a freshman o-lineman who ain't playin now.

No. 55, Theiren Cockran, DE: Cockran! Hahahahaha! Also, Theiren isn't a name.

T-Cock is a backup defensive end with three tackles on the year.

No. 70, Foster Bush: I have a noted soft spot for players whose names are sentences. Foster Bush is one of these, except it's a really creepy and disturbing sentence. If his middle name was "the", he would be a perverted indy rock band.

Foster's a sophomore lineman who ain't playin' neither.

No. 34, Jephte Matilus: My passion for obscure biblical names is reawakened by Jephte. Jephte, of course, is a derivation of Jephthah, a chieftain from the Book of Judges who promised to sacrifice the first thing he sees when he returns home after a successful military campaign, only to be heartbroken when his daughter rushes out of his house to greet him, meaning he has to slaughter her, so he does. Also, "matilus"?

Jeph is a redshirt freshman linebacker, who like apparently everybody on this team, is not playing.

No. 68, Isaac Hayes, OL: Isaac never lets opposing rushers walk on by. I think he's really being shafted out of a starting spot this year. He's practically a chef the way he serves up pancake blocks. Without him, I'm not sure how well the Gophers' line stacks up against the competition.

Ike's redshirting this year and I listen to too much soul music for a 22-year-old white guy.