(CAVEAT: As I said yesterday, I'm not completely disappointed with the concept of Bill Carmody coaching Northwestern for another season. In fact, it could work out quite nicely and at this point, with what's done being done, I'm looking forward to the 2012-2013 season. However, I had this idea with all the reasons people seemed to think Bill Carmody coming back was a terrible idea, so, here it is.)
Bill Carmody: Hey, Rodger, I'm hungry. Wanna go get something to eat?
Me: Yeah, sure, Bill, but I'm out of cash. And I mean, you just convinced me to go into 12 restaurants with you without any money to see if they would serve me food, and none of them did.
BC: Well, you probably should get some money. Let's get you a job.
(12 job interviews later)
Me: I dunno, Bill. I'm starting to think bringing you into these job interviews with me is a bad idea.
BC: Come on! That last guy was so close to hiring you!
Jim Phillips: I agree. You're going to get a job sooner or later if you just trust Bill. I think he should continue to assist you in your next interview and all interviews for the indefinite future.
(in the office)
Potential employer: So, Mr. Sherman, who is this man you brought to the interview?
Me: Oh, that's Bill. He's my coach. (Carmody enthusiastically puts both hands in the air, palms facing outward, and jumps up and down)
PE: I see. So, Mr. Sherman, why do you think you're good for this position?
BC: (whisper-yelling) RUN THE OFFENSE
Me: Well, I'm obviously not as qualified for the job as other applicants and due to my natural lack of talent, I couldn't be realistically asked to outperform them in the office, but I'm probably better at basketball than they are. Which is what really matters, right?
PE: No, we're actually looking for someone good at the job, not someone who's good at basketball. (I look over to Carmody who shrugs.) Let's take a look at your resume. Other than this job you held in East Lansing, it looks like you've been fired from every good job you've ever held.
Me: Yeah, but I was really close to not getting fired at some of them. And look at all the bad jobs I've held! I've never been fired from any of those! (Carmody puts his head in his hands and paces around in front of his seat)
PE: We'll call you.
(the parking lot of a 7-11)
Me: It's been a few days, and I'm still really hungry, Bill.
BC: That's why I bought this scratch-off lotto ticket. So you can get money to buy that sandwich.
Me: What? You bought another lotto ticket? I just watched you scratch off 12 straight lotto tickets, and you haven't won any money yet!
JP: Yes, but he was really close on the last few.
BC: Yeah. On the last two, I unscratched three golden monkeys! If I unscratch four, I win $500,000!
Me: But your chances of winning that are like, the same as Northwestern's chances of making the -
BC: Golden monkey! Only three more!
Me: - NCAA Tournament. What makes you think after filling out 12 unsuccessful lotto tickets and knowing how slim the odds are that it's best to continue doing the same thing and hoping it turns out differently? Isn't there anything else we could do? Any way we could show people that there's a better option than lotto tickets, that our chances are better than one-in-a-million?
JP: No. This one's going to work out.
Me: What if it doesn't?
JP: We'll buy more lotto tickets.
Me: How many more?
JP: I don't feel comfortable telling you that. But just know it's more than one?
Me: What? You won't even let me know how much longer I have to wait while you guys scratch off lotto tickets?
BC: This is the one! One more golden monkey and we're gonna be rich! (scratches) Oh, crap, it's a banana. Jim, wanna go and get me an indefinite number of lotto tickets?
JP: Sure, Bill.
Me: I'm never going to eat this sandwich, am I.
(the back of a van wired with surveillance equipment)
Me: What did you say happened to the people in the first 12 bank heists you coached?
BC: Prison. Prison, all 12.
Me: Wait, I thought you said the past few had been pretty successful?
BC: Well, they were almost successful. They got really close to making it to the door of the bank without being arrested. My first few bank heists got shot within feet of the counter, so the fact the last few got close is a big step up. You're faster and better than those guys though - I think you have the talent to make it to the door of the bank.
Me: So what happens once I get to the door of the bank?
BC: Hell if I know. You'll probably get arrested as soon as you leave the door.
Me: What? So, you don't have a plan once I get out the door?
BC: Not really, no. But isn't the point just to get out of the bank?
Me: No. You're supposed to escape with the money. Other bank robbers do it all the time.
JP: I'd be pretty impressed if you just made it to the door. Not a lot of bank robbers can even do that.
(that one room in prison where they let you meet with your lawyers)
BC: And that's why we think this appeal is really going to get you out of here, finally, once and for all.
Me: Look, guys, I've been thinking about switching lawyers. You've appealed it 12 times, and all 12, we've lost.
JP: Why? Why would you switch now? Bill's been with you from the beginning, back from when you just wanted a sandwich, and Bill's still here with you now. Bill knows your case better than anybody. Bill has so much experience with you, he'll be better than anybody else.
Me: But Bill failed to get me out of jail the first 12 times. What will make this one different?
BC: Just trust me. I swear half of the jurors wanted to let you out last time, or at least they were close enough to think about letting you out.
Me: Maybe another lawyer would do things differently. Are you going to change anything?
BC: Not really.
Me: That's it. I'm going to call up another lawyer.
JP: Ha! Are you crazy? Who would take your case? You have no resources, and you're going up against some of the best lawyers in the country. You should just stick with what you can get.
Me: I mean, Teddy over in Block C told me this lawyer named Chris Collins would probably take my case if I asked him, and Teddy's pretty reliable about getting us information from the outside, so he's probably telling the truth.
JP: Look, the appeal is tomorrow. Just sit tight with Bill, and everything will work out.
(two days later, same room)
Me: THE DEATH PENALTY?
BC: Things just didn't go our way, I guess.
Me: HOW CAN I GET THE DEATH PENALTY FOR A BANK ROBBERY?
BC: (shrugs)
(the electric chair)
JP: Look, Rodger, this is probably hard for you.
Me: I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you.
JP: I know Bill wasn't able to kill you the first 12 times, and that all he succeeded in doing was zapping you with thousands upon thousands of volts of electricity, causing your hair to fall out, and probably causing immense amounts of pain, distress, and anguish to the point where you likely prayed for the sweet merciful release of death, but, he's going to try a 13th time.
Me: I hate you. I hate you all so much. Just get this over with.
JP: Look, this is a process. And as we all could tell, you were really, really close to dying that last time. We all thought you were really going to die that time, so close, juuuuuuuuuuust missed it. So it's really not our fault you're still experiencing the agonizing throes of hellish torture that have come to define your life.
Me: Can't you shoot me? Or don't they have lethal injections? Hanging? Is there anything? Any other method? Anything besides him? Besides that guy who has been repeatedly trying to kill me but can't figure out how?
JP: Like I said, we're sticking with this. And we're confident that the 13th time will work. And if not, (Carmody throws on a black hood and readies his hand over the switch) we're ready to keep trying. For an indefinite amount of time. (Carmody flips the switch, the screen fades to black, and all you hear are screams.)