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Effin' Stefan Demos, Arena Football League Kicker

By Rodger Sherman
Yes, he has to kick it into that thing.
Yes, he has to kick it into that thing.

The greatest joy of being a Northwestern fan is obviously when out of the middle of nowhere, random players you hadn't thought about in years turn out to be gainfully employed to fiddle around in some secondary sports league. Well, today, sirs, we get that joy.

Saturday, I was just minding my own business, looking on the internets, when I found this:

My pulse quickened. I knew I needed to get to the bottom of this. SO I DID:

Indeed, Stefan Demos is a kicker in the Arena Football League. He plays for the San Antonio Talons, who, if combined with the Iowa Hawkeyes and Detroit Red Wings, would make some of the parts of a fully functioning bird of prey. Saturday night, Demos' Talons - no, the team, he doesn't have actual talons, that would severely hamper his kicking ability - beat the Chicago Rush 66-65, with Demos nailing a PAT for the win. However, there are questions that need to be answered, so I will, after the jump.

I'm back!

Sup, bold-faced questions guy?

It's been a while, man.

Yeah.

I dunno, I mean, my spring break was pretty good, how about you?

I didn't ask you about your spring break.

Oh.

Weren't you going to ask me about Stefan Demos in the Arena Football League?

Oh! Yeah! Sorry, I forgot. Yeah, has he gotten better at kicking?

Well, first of all, let's take a moment to talk about Stefan Demos: he's a good kicker. Northwestern was better off with Demos than they are now, as Jeff Budzien apparently doesn't have the leg to convince Pat Fitzgerald to let him kick anything over 40 yards - NU only attempted ten field goals last year, in 13 games. Yeah. But no, he's not better.

Is there anything really stupid about Arena Football you'd like to get off your chest?

OF COURSE. First of all, Arena Football is really stupid. One of the stupid things about it is that kicking is stupid. Arena Football, as you may know, is played on a 50-yard field with eight players. If you noticed, the final score up there was 66-65, because there's like, no reason that virtually every play shouldn't end in a touchdown. If you can't score a touchdown on three downs, there's no real reason to kick a field goal for three points. Plus, the field is only 50 yards long, so there's no such thing as field position, so you might as well try again on fourth. Plus, the field goal uprights are only nine feet wide - yes, nine feet - as opposed to the 10 yards wide that they are in real football, so if you do opt to kick a field goal, you're probably going to miss. Plus, if you miss, the other team has the option to rebound the miss and return it. So this is all to say: there is literally no reason you should ever kick a field goal in Arena Football. So Stefan Demos' job is basically to do kickoffs and extra points after each of the 40,000 touchdowns per game.

Any really, really, really, really stupid stuff?

Drop kicks are worth four points.

Is he good at it?

He's missed the only field goal the team has attempted on the season, and is hitting a, um, serviceable 79.2 percent of his PAT's. So I guess he's passable.

Oh nah-nah, what's his name?

Marc Demos, apparently.

Who is the Talons' quarterback?

AFL record-holder Aaron Garcia, who has thrown literally over 1,000 touchdowns.

Is there anybody we've, you know, heard of?

Um.... no. Backup defensive end from Illinois, Jerry Brown, anybody?

So is Stefan Demos going to the NFL?

Actually, AFL kickers have a seemingly better chance than most players of making it to the league: Jay Feely, Rob Bironas, and Mike Vanderjagt were arena kickers before making it pro. But part of that is because of how weird the job market for kickers is. But, um, no.

This is our ode to Effin' Stefan. May you Arena-Kick until your heart is full, Stefan.

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