We have SHOCKING NEWS from the world of th'Internets: MSU had a great idea to get together all the Big Ten mascots and put together a video along to the song "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen, which is entering its seventh or eighth consecutive month as the greatest song of all time. Here's the video:
The stars of the show are Goldy the Gopher, for his topless antics, Sparty, for being the predominant character in the video and for some impressive dance moves, and that one blonde girl from Nebraska. (If you're reading, blonde girl from Nebraska, I'm a 6-foot-2, single, and I enjoy long walks on the beach, and most importantly I'm not from Nebraska if you're looking for a reason to get out of there.) But wait, where's Willie the Wildcat? BTN.com investigated:
Rutzen told us the mascots came up with the idea on their own and that everyone was invited. Northwestern and Purdue declined to participate...
I have never been more ashamed of my school than right now. This is worse than the f*cksaw and almost twice as bad as Chet Haze. Here are the acceptable reasons for Willie the Wildcat not being in the video:
- Willie is filming an alternative "Call Me Maybe" video
- Willie the Wildcat died of mascot polio. He was 73 in mascot years. (There is still no cure for mascot polio)
- Willie the Wildcat died filming an alternative "Call Me Maybe" video. He was 72 in mascot years (it happened a few months ago)
I demand answers, and I demand them now. Because if none of those are the case, that means Northwestern's mascot is not pro-Carly Rae Jepsen, and that, sirs, is blasphemy. Forget maybe, Willie: I'm not calling you until we figure out the story behind this.
(p.s. blonde Nebraska girl I make funny jokes and am at worst mediocre at massage-giving so contact me via phone perhaps)