And, verily, when they had traversed the wilderness for eight months, the people stopped and congregated. He spake until them.
You have struggled long and mightily, crossing barren distances with little hope of salvation. But now, the time is come: bring forth the most talented of the young, and of those, select the ones upon whom you have bestowed the silliest monikers. Rejoice and make merry in their midst, so we may remember the fallow months.
-II Barkevious, 24:18-21
Yes, it's name season again. I'm sure you've been eagerly awaiting this day, and now it's here. We have names, and we have plenty of names. I look forward to a rich, full season of discussing the best monikers Northwestern's opponents have to offer - let's get it started.
'Cuse has a nice, full offering off candidates, leaving a fine field of honorable mentions: RBs Ashton Broyld (Flame-Broyld!), Adonis Ameen-Moore, Prince-Tyson Gulley, SS Shamarko Thomas, DB Dontez Ford , and linebacker Lewellyn Coker weren't good enough to cut it.
So hit the jump for names!
No. 2, Quinta Funderburk, WR: La Quinta! I'm not sure whether Quinta is some sort of female version of "Quentin" or just a shoutout to the Spanish word for "fifth" or "a small country farm". I also like Funderburk. It's a fun name. It even has the word "fun" in it!
Quinta is a sophomore wide receiver whose page contains no information whatsoever. That's troubling, but I'm sure Quinta exists.
No. 31 Clay Cleveland, FB: This becomes a problem when it rains and the Rock N Roll Hall Of Fame turns into mud and burying thousands of pieces of historic memorabilia, like the guitar Joe Perry was holding on some random Aerosmith album cover. Also, nice alliteration.
Clay is a walk-on fullback who played in nine games last year as a sophomore. He's projected to start at fullback, so that's nice.
No. 13, Deon Goggins, CB: FACT: There are no people named "Goggins" who are not characters in the Harry Potter series. FACT: There are no people named "Deon" who are not athletes, generally of African-American descent. THEREFORE: Deon Goggins is the only black character in the Harry Potter series. You never saw him because he is in Hufflepuff.
Goggy is a fifth-year senior who is gonna start for the second-straight season after transferring from JUCO. He had 1.5 sacks last year and forced a fumble against West Virginia.
No. 59, Macky MacPherson, C: Macky Mac! Gotta love Macky Mac.
Macky Mac is the grandson of former 'Cuse head coach Dick MacPherson - Dick Mac! - and has become a strong center for the Orange, starting every game last year as a sophomore and pencilled in to start again this year.
No. 26, Myles Davis, FB: Okay, your last name is Davis. You can do a lot with that. But what you can't do is name your kid "Miles", or any derivation thereof. You are leaving him bereft of hope for a life without people being like "oh, like the jazz guy?" So what? It's going to be annoying to him for his whole life. I gotta say, his parents kind of blew it when naming their son. Perhaps they were just flustered by the birth of the coolest future Syracuse fullback ever, as sometimes happens around life milestones, but still, bad call, guys. It just puts so much pressure on him to be way cooler than everybody else always. If I met Myles, and he wasn't smoking a cigarette outside a bar wearing a fedora, I'd be disappointed.
Side note: if I was Myles Davis, I'd say to people "if peeing your pants is cool, consider me Myles Davis" and then piss my pants a lot.
Myles is a freshman fullback, but 'Cuse just announced that he'll be out for the whole season.