What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, plus, if it was called something ridiculous like "Munchie" or "Jose Cheeseborough", I think we'd all get a real kick out of it, and it would still smell nice. So I guess names have that going for them.
Romeo and Juliet, II.II.1-5, Original Copy (lost to history)
First off, congratulations to Paris Head for winning last week's vote in a surprising runaway, with 36 more votes than the closest competitor Hunter Bowman. He remains the winner of best name comprised of a European capital and a very naughty but enjoyable thing indeed that we won't mention on this family site until a London Beej arises.
Onto this week's names! I really scrounged here - no honorable mentions.No. 87, Malachi Moore, WR: Malachi! I always love when people bust through with minor biblical characters, and Malachi, one of the 12 minor prophets and the author of the last book of the Old Testament, is certainly one of those. By my count, he's the second NOTW nominee named by one of the minor prophets, the other being Illinois' Zepheniah Grimes. Move out the way, y'all, because I'm naming my kid Habakkuk. I like the alliteration here, it really rolls off the tongue.
Malachi's a true freshman wide receiver.
No. 49, Steele DiVitto, LB: What I wrote about THE MAN OF STEELE last year:
When Steele was three, his father, who could bench 400 and squat 580 and walked around everywhere he went holding a dude's arm that he ripped directly out of the dude's socket during a fight and a big sign that said "DON'T BOTHER ASKING ME, I RIPPED THIS ARM OFF A DUDE IN A FIGHT AND I'LL DO IT TO YOU AS WELL" and therefore was convinced naming his child "Steele" was a good idea, bought a warehouse. He didn't buy this warehouse to store things in, he bought it as a canvas. He took his shirt off, oiled his muscles up until they were a nine on the "Rambo Murdery Muscle Glisten Coefficiency Scale" which defines muscle glisten, and shot holes in an exterior wall of the warehouse. These holes spelled out the following:
LIST OF POTENTIAL PROFESSIONZ FOR MY SON STEELE WHO I NAMED STEELE BECAUSE I'M A BADASS AND HE WILL BE TOO, ALSO I SPELLED PROFFESSIONZ WITH A Z INTENTIONALLY, BADASS
1.. SPECIAL OPS MURDER GUY W/ MOTORCYCLE
2. TOTALITARIAN DICTATOR
3. PORN ACTOR (NO GAY STUFF THOUGH OR I'LL INVENT A TIME MACHINE TO KILL MYSELF BEFORE CONCEIVING YOU)
5. X GAMES INVENTOR WAIT DID THEY INVENT THOSE ALREADY I'M OUT OF COKE
Long story short, the man of Steele is a linebacker, because the other four are tough. to do.
Steele started every game in 2011 at strong-side linebacker STRONG SIDE Y'ALL, recording two sacks, including one against Northwestern - this was good enough for second on the team :( - and notching 72 tackles, making him third on the team. To be fair it's hard to get tackles when Luke Kuechly tackles EVERYBODY.
No. 79, Win Homer:
Aaaaaaaynd we're bayuck from break, yer still listnin to the finals of this here 2012 West Virginia State Baseball Championship fer D'linquents And Other People Who Ain't Been Up To Nothin But Trouble. Bottom of the... ninth, and, there's folks on first and second with Huntington down two with two outs. The chucker chucks that there ball, and that's a strike.
Yeah, Otis, he used one of them squiggly throws and the hitter couldn't hit the durn ball.
The count's 0-2, and that brings Wheeling one more pitch away from sealin this here champyunship. He's gittin set to chuck the ball, here's the pitch - AAAAYND HE HITS IT! HE HITS IT REAL HARD! ITS GONE! WE GOT OURSELVES A WIN HOMER! HUNTINGTON BRINGS HOME THE CHAMPYUNSHIP ON A WIN HOMER Y'ALL!
Win's a freshman offensive lineman.
No. 7, Spiffy Evans: Again, I turn to what I wrote last year:
The word "spiffy" means "smart in appearance", according to the dictionary, but it means so much more. When I tell someone they look spiffy, it means I have given them literally the highest appearance-related compliment we can comfortably give one another without pause. It means they're wearing something I would probably look ridiculous in, but they pull it off smoothly. This is the dude who looks suave in a bow tie. It's basically a level below propositioning them. Also, nobody has seriously used the word "spiffy" since 1958.
Spiffy Evans is presumably so consistently in this state of spiffiness that people could no longer bother calling him by his birth name, Curtric. "Damn, Curt, looking spiffy today!" was a common saying. One day he was wearing the green suit JerShon Cobb wore without looking like a pimp, some Mad Men-y nonsense the day after. He was dressed to impress on like Tuesday at 3 p.m. This happened so often, people got tired of the extra verbiage. "Screw it," they thought. "Curt is so frequently spiffy, we might as well just call him Spiffy". His remarkable knack for sharp dress became his defining characteristic, even in non-sharp dressing scenarios. He'd show up to football practice in a t-shirt and shorts and yet still, he was Spiffy. And all this happened decades after the final serious usage of the word "spiffy" in 1958. This man deserves a million rounds of applause and the underwear of the womenfolk thrown onstage.
Spiffy didn't have any catches last year, but has already made his impression felt in 2012. In the home opener against Maine, he reeled in a three-yard TD as well as returning a punt 82 yards to the house.