First off, congrats to Hugs Etienne, who, for the second straight week, made the Name of the Week poll a joke: 150 of 203 votes, a whopping 75 percent. We will congratulate by giving him... snuggles?
Anyway! Onward, to Minnesota, where I was thrilled to find some old friends and some new buddies! Honorable mentions include lineman Isaac Hayes, tight end Duke Anyanwu, who could very well be a duke somewhere, lineman Caleb Bak, who sadly is not Sudanese and therefore probably not related to Bak Bak, long snapper Jake Filkins -- FILKINS -- tight end Sahr Ngekia, DL Hendrick Ekpe, OL Brian Bobek, tight end Alex Bisch -- GANG SIGNS OUT THE WINDOW YA BISCH -- and WR Jephte Matilus,
Maxx Williams, No. 88
How intense is your Max?
a) Max (not intense to mildly intense)
b) Maxx (able to bench at least 1.5 times his body weight, listens to metal, douses everything in hot sauce)
c) Maxxx (your Max is Vin Diesel but named Max)
So he isn't at max Max, but he's getting close.
Maxx is also a combination of two cervezas: Dos Equis, of course and Cuban beer Bucanero Max, the stronger version of my preferred Cuban beer, Bucanero Fuerte. I was never able to find Bucanero Max, but before I die I will.
M-to-the-A-to-the-DOUBLE X is a freshman tight end who caught a TD against UNLV TO THA MAXX
Thieren Cockran, No. 55
T-COCK! Neither of these are names and one of them has "Cock" in it.
Thieren is a starting defensive end for the Gophers!
Robert Ndondo-Lay, No. 69
"Listen, Frito-Lay shareholders, we understand the decision to merge with NdondoCorp might come as a surprise, especially for those of you unawares of the intricacies of the Central African snack industry. But we assure you, this is a great move. By the way, Doritos will henceforth by known as Ndondo's."
"Oh, and if anybody calls the phone, you need to answer and say "Ndondo-Lay Industries." "What does Ndondo-Lay Industries do?" "We're in latex. And snacks."
"What she order? Ndondo-Lay? YO WHIP SO COOOOLD/THIS OLD THAAAAANG"
I just like saying NDONDOLAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY is my point, I guess. He's an offensive lineman who transferred in from Wichita State."
Foster Bush, No. 77
Look, I get that "Bush" is a last name that people, like presidents and athletes and people, have, and that Foster is... I guess a first name.
But, when put together, they just sound... I dunno. I'm just disturbed.
Foster's an offensive lineman listed as a backup right guard.
Drew Goodger, No. 83
Animals don't really have opposites. Like, a giraffe and a fly are totally different animals, but you can't say "a fly is the opposite of a giraffe," or "a lamb is the opposite of a lion," because there's no way you can quantify opposites in the animal kingdom.
One animal does have an opposite, though. The badger. It's opposite is the goodger. When badgers eat worms and small mammals, goodgers try to improve the living conditions of those worms and small mammals and set them up with good healthcare.
This all explains why Drew chose Minnesota, so that he doesn't get on the wrong side of the Paul Bunyan's Axe game.
Drew is a junior tight end, and he has three catches on the year.
De'Niro Laster, No. 38
I thought commercialism had gone too far. Then I heard about De'Niro, who has had to live his entire life as a walking advertisement for the horrific-looking film "Last Vegas" starring Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman, and some other old people making terrible jokes about the fact that they're old in Las Vegas. And that movie didn't even exist for most of poor De'Niro's life!
Quick power rankings of Italian-American film celebrities whose last names should not be used as first names, using De'Niro's last name as a stand-in
1. Deniro Laster
2. Pacino Laster
3. Scorcese Laster
4. Liotta Laster (acceptable as girl's name)
5.. Coppola Laster
6. Gandolfini Laster
387,374,421. Pesci Laster
De'Niro is a freshman linebacker who's redshirting.
Daletavious McGhee, No. 8
There are a few ways to come at this, and they're all great.
First, I imagined that this was along the lines of prefix names -- "DaXXXX," "LeXXXX," "JaXXXXXX" -- that had managed to go multiple.
Then, I imagined a world where naming processes had been taken over by Pitbull. DALEtavious.
However, it's arguably the best one: it's "Dale," like Chip's friend, one of the most unassuming, straightforward names possible, with a "TAVIOUS" attached to the end. I love this name.
Daletavious is a freshman DB who is redshirting.