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Name of the Week: Wisconsin

Hugs. Hugs!

Harry How

First off, congratulations to the runaway winner last week, Tracy Sprinkle, who, with 124 votes pulled over half of the selections, nearly doubling up his closest competition Joe Burger. Tough-earned win for Mr. Sprinkle.

I fear we might have another runaway on our hands this week, but again, I'll leave it up to you. Before we get into the names, let's hear a round of applause for the honorable mentions: safety Keelon Brookins, defensive end Tyler Dippel, ahhaha it rhymes with nipple, cornerback Peniel Jean, and wideout Marquis Mason.

And now the names!

Kenzel Doe, No. 3

A deer. A female deer. A female deer whose first name is "Kenzel." Wouldn't "Denzel Koe" make more sense?

K-Doe is a wide receiver, but probably is most notable for his special teams work, as he returns kickoffs and punts. Wisky probably loses to Utah State last year if not for his 82-yard TD return. He's injured at the moment, doe.

Sojourn Shelton, No. 8

One of those names that's too awesome to make fun of, really. I'm just left wondering why I don't use the word "Sojourn" more often.

Sojourn's a true freshman CB who was too good to keep off the field. He starts and already has two picks, one against Purdue and one against UMass.

Jack Russell, No. 97

Sometimes in life, people make mistakes and do they one thing they shouldn't do. For example, your last name is "Russell." There are a few things you can't name your kid. "Kurt." Um.... "Bertrand?" And of course, Jack, because, dammit, that's a dog's name.

However, there's no need to compound that mistake. Jack is a football player, and thus, had the choice to make an incredible life decision. Instead, he chose to go to Wisconsin.

Jack Russell had the incredible opportunity to play FCS football in Spartanburg, South Carolina, for Wofford. He could have been Jack Russell: Terrier. Instead, he's a stupid badger.

Jack is only a sophomore, so there's still time to transfer. He's a backup, but does kickoffs occasionally and kicked 14 PAT's last year and two this year, although he's 0-for-3 lifetime on field goals.

Jazz Peavy, No. 11

I like picturing Jazz Peavy as the cool, cigarette-smoking brother of pitcher Jake Peavy, who despite being Peavy's twin, is somehow from the 1950's, and looks down on his clean-cut brother.

Jake Peavy (opens the door excitedly) I did it! I won the Cy Young Award!

Jazz Peavy: (takes long drag from cigarette) You did, huh.

Jake Peavy: Yeah! I've been waiting for my whole life!

Jazz Peavy: Is that some type of thing that's reaaaaall important to you?

Jake Peavy: Umm... yeah, it means I'm pretty much the best pitcher in the world.

Jazz Peavy: You see, Jake, Bird once told me, (drag) the only important thing is the music. There's no "award" for being the best musician, like in your sports.

Jake Peavy: What about the Grammy's?

Jazz: Hah. You would say that, wouldn't you. (begins wrapping belt around arm)

I support the concept of naming kids with regular last names after various musical fields. I hereby pronounce my intention to name my children Mambo, Progrock, and Dubstep Sherman.

Jazz is a true freshman wide receiver who's redshirting.

Hugs Etienne, No. 31

I've been waiting a long time to deal with this guy. I noticed him when he first committed. I saw him on Jeopardy. But Wisconsin was over on the other side of the Big Ten, so I had to wait to write this:

His name is Hugs! Hugs! There's a football player named Hugs! Hugs Etienne! Hugs, dammit!

Less appropriate football names:

  • Snuggles Wilson
  • SoftCuddly Jackson
  • J'Marcus "Eskimo Kisses" O'Connelly

Normally I like to write something expository on how great a name it is, but I just can't improve on Hugs. Hugs! He deserves an... embrace.

Hugs, sadly, ain't played, but he's a redshirt frosh defensive back.

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