Eric Hauser, No. 54, Northwestern Wildcats football

It's my birthday!!!!! Don't worry, I wrote this last week.

Eric Hauser is a walk-on linebacker, standing 6-feet, weighing 215 pounds. That's most of what I have to say about him, since it doesn't seem particularly likely that the redshirt freshman is going to get significant playing time. But haven't you learned at this point that the best of these posts are the ones about guys who never play?

Anyway, let's take it to the HAUSE:

Origin myth

Hauser is from Lake Barrington, which, as I learned on my drives out to Crystal Lake, is one of 43,071 places in between Cook County, Lake County, and McHenry County with the word "Barrington" in it, a salute to famed reggae musician Barrington Levy. He went to Loyola Academy, alongside Chance Carter and Pat Hickey, as well as Brian Mulroe. Like all Northwestern walk-ons, apparently, he was pretty good, earning all-State honors from the Chicago Tribune and IHSA in 2011 for a season he had 10.5 sacks, a pick, and a forced fumble. Here is he is walloping Illinois commit Aaron Bailey in the state championship:

Loyola would lose tho, probably because "Ramblers" is still a dumb name. Anyway, at 6-foot-nothing, Hauser wasn't heavily recruited, and opted to walk on at Northwestern.

At Northwestern

redshirt :( :( :(

Anagram of choice

Discovering the Wildcats' true inner selves through spelling

Eric Hauser, anagrammed, is

ACE HURRIES

Look at the dude in that video! That's a pass-rush, y'all, even if it is by a walk-on who isn't going to play for Northwestern. Those are some ace hurries, not to be confused with rapper Ace Hood. (Also considered: "Hair rescue" (the inevitable sequel to "Bar Rescue," my current favorite TV show), "scarier hue" (deep purple on Northwestern's uniforms), "Saucer heir" (the son of a wealthy dishware maker), "ashier cure" (cocoa butter), "hare cruise" (BUNNY BOAT), and "urea riches" (piss fortune))Relevant musical selection "Roc Boys (And The Winner Is)", Jay-Z WE IN THE HAUSE HAUSE HAUSE.

Sure, Jay-Z didn't actually retire when he said he would after releasing the Black Album in 2003. He's still, well, everywhere. But a part of Jay-Z -- the type that saw himself as a rapper first and a mogul second -- doesn't exist anymore. He's not the young hustler he once was, and although he's still often great, perhaps the most prolonged ability to achieve excellence of any rapper ever, I've found his post-mini-retirement career to be more prone to lethargy.

Roc Boys is actually six years old at this point, from his second album after unretiring, the American Gangster album that wasn't a soundtrack. But it still feels fresh to me, because it's Hov excited, enthusiastic, rapping over a bombastic beat he knows -- pun intended -- rocks. Talking about dealing coke like he's 18 again, then talking about being Jay-Z like he's 35. We still get it from time to time from him, but we have to hold onto it when we get it.

How he can help

Hauser's NU sports profile picture far and away the most disheveled -- most disheveled sounds bad, let's call him "least sheveled" -- of any Northwestern football player of any I've ever seen. I suppose he can help other players become less uptight about things. There will be a sterotypical teen movie parent who thinks that he is a bad influence, but it turns out that when he shows up and makes everything into a party, even the crotchety old teachers have a blast and remember what it was like to be kids, and everything works out for the best.

Depth chart projection

It isn't particularly common for walk-on linebackers to become contributors at Northwestern. Can't really think of any off the top of my head. Add to the fact that Northwestern is particularly deep at LB, and Hauser is not on our depth chart.