First off, congrats to Tronic Williams for pulling out a tight victory over Willie Beavers, with Tyler van Tubbergen and Rontavious Atkins in third and fourth places, respectively. I hope Tron is celebrating by living for the city. I was a Tron supporter in spite of the fascinating man parts-lady parts combo of Willie B, and am sad that we could not award two winners.
Anyway! Normally FCS opponents have relatively tame names, in part because they have less players overall and in part because it takes an elite program to bring in top quality name talent, but I'm impressed with Maine's crop.
Let's start with the honorable mentions: good job, good effort to DL Jean Point-Dujour, for having a very, very, very French name that means "John Point of the Day," linebacker Cabrinni Goncalves, DB Sherrod Baltimore, FB Carlton Charles for having a) basically the same name twice and b) a reverse name, OL Benedict Wezel for being named after weasels.
Zedric Joseph, No. 21
It's like Cedric, but with a Z at the beginning.
Zed is not dead: he is a senior running back who leads players besides the quarterback in carries. He had an 85-yard reception against Norfolk State and a rushing TD against UMass.
Axel Ofori, Jr., No. 1
Bless you, Axel Ofori, Sr., for not letting your name disappear from this earth. Let us listen to the Beverly Hills Cop theme in celebration.
Axel is a starting defensive back for the Black Bears, with two pass breakups on the year.
Sacoy Malone, No. 28
He's The Real Sacoy! Sacoy sounds like a soft fabric.
Sacoy's a redshirt freshman RB who doesn't have any carries this year.
Jerickson Fedrick, No. 34
Every part of you wants his last name to be "Fredrick." You want it in your soul. But it's not. "Jerickson" is also not so much a first name as it is a condensation of the entire name of our good buddy RotoJeff. I like to think of it as the next step of extra-lettering names: adding a "J" in front of "eric" and then adding "son!" at the end. I'd imagine some sort of Netherlands Antilles-ish descent, because of the name similarity to Jurickson Profar.
J-Fed is a freshman running back who hasn't seen the field yet.
Dakota Tarbox, No. 45
Dakota is a state. A tarbox is... a box of tar? Dakota Tarbox is the worst name for a leading role in an action movie ever.
The Tar Box is a freshman tight end for the Black Bears.
NOW VOTE YOU JERKS
More from Sippin' On Purple:
- 'Cats in the NFL: Jeremy Ebert caught a pass! Corey Wootton got a sack!
- A Metrics Breakdown of Northwestern's Offense Through Week 3
- Plays of the Week: Room for Improvement
- Northwestern Wildcats football: Are we the Legends Division frontrunner?
- Northwestern Wildcats basketball: Michael Turner taking leave of absence from team