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Tim Beckman, king of the hypothetical world

Tim Beckman has let loose the boring, all-too-concrete world we live in. He has escaped to a higher plane, where all things are possible, and where the only limit is how beautiful you want things to be.

By Rodger Sherman
Mike Granse-USA TODAY Sports

Tim Beckman is a fascinating human being. He is a dreamer, a visionary, and he exists not in the world that exists around him, but in a fantasyscape of his own construction.

Illinois is currently 3-3, with wins over Youngstown State, Western Kentucky, and Texas State, three very bad teams. They just lost to Purdue, a team that I thought was one of the worst Big Ten teams I have ever seen. In Jeff Sagarin's ratings, none of the teams Illinois has beaten rank higher than the 88th best in the country. None of the teams on their upcoming schedule rank below 51st. (Illinois, for what it's worth, is No. 109.) On top of this, Illinois' QB and best, most important player, Wes Lunt, just suffered a possibly season-ending injury.

It is certainly true that if Illinois wins their six remaining games, they will have nine wins. The mere fact that it is alarming unlikely is inconsequential. He is saying a true thing, even if their odds of winning out are about the same as the odds of one of these Skate 3 glitches happening to a person you see walking down the street at any given moment.

Again, technically true! This is not a first-time Beckman thought:

What is the real truth? The final score? Or the final score that could have been?

Do not mock Tim Beckman. Beckmanism is not the set of ramblings of a failing football coach. Beckmanism is a philosophy, a world view. Gandhi is often credited as saying that you should "be the change you wish to see in the world." Beckmanism offers a different approach: Don't be the change you wish to see. See the change you wish to see. Look: It's already there, bright and gleaming and beautiful, everything that you had hoped for. Why fantasize about a beautiful future when you can just say it exists in front of you?

Reality: It is cold and rainy today.

Beckmanism world view: If you remove the rain and the cold weather, it's gorgeous out.

Reality: Racism is an evil which plagues humans across the globe, and has become deeply ingrained in people due to thousands of years of societal indoctrination.

Beckmanism world view: If nobody is ever racist ever again, there will be no racism and racism will not be a problem.

Reality: Illinois lost.

Beckmanism world view: Illinois basically won.

Reality: Several of the recruits Illinois wanted decided to go to Northwestern, whereas not a single player Northwestern wanted decided to go to Illinois.

Beckmanism world view: We got more players than Northwestern. Who wanted whom is irrelevant, as personal desires are merely a construct of human selfishness.

Reality: When is Mom's birthday?

Beckmanism world view: MOM'S BIRTHDAY IS EVERY DAY!!!!!

With Beckmanism, all your failures and foibles become irrelevant. You are undefeated every year. Don't listen to the world's laughter. Those laughing are merely unwilling to become enlightened in Beckman.

If Tim Beckman were to be elected king of the world, he would be king of the world. This is a true fact, and the mere likelihood that it will never happen is irrelevant.

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