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SIX CANDIDATES FOR NEXT ILLINOIS HEAD COACH

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Here's who can really take the program to the next level...

This little guy could be one of the top candidates...
This little guy could be one of the top candidates...
Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

lllinois football has no business being the pitiful pile of filth that it has become. There is way too much talent in this state to excuse the biggest school in the Land of Lincoln getting smoked in recruiting by a tiny private school that isn't even in Chicago, and being a ludicrous 60 games under .500 in Big Ten play since 1997.

And so, once again, Illinois is out a head coach, this time due to circumstances that are pretty disgusting. With just a week before the season starts, the Illini ain't getting a new coach before they play Kent State, and they probably ain't getting a new one any time soon. The good news is that this should give the powers that be — provided they're not the next ones out the door — plenty of time to convene a search party and find their next coach.

Or they can just call me up.

Yes, I've put the fact that I have incredible animosity towards the University of Illinois aside to do my best to find the most qualified and prestigious potential options for their head coaching job. I accept payment in Prussian Francs and Greek Lira.

Here are my top six suggestions:

1. The Chief

Well it'd be a popular hire among Illinois fans...

Could The Chief rekindle recruiting in Illinois? Probably not. But it could revolutionize Illinois' #personal #brand. And it would at least make people forget about Tim Beckman for a while.

2. The Ghost of Red Grange

Illinois should take a page from Northwestern's playbook. Pat Fitzgerald is beloved in Evanston due as much to his success as a player as his time as a coach. Illinois football has had such greats as Dick Butkus and Ray Nitschke and... come on there's gotta be someone... hold on... did Illinois just stop playing football after the Kennedy Administration? Uhhh...

3. Some Random MAC Guy I Guess

I don't know, I guess that's just, like, what you do, right? Like, find some Directional Michigan school who's doing slightly above mediocre and give the coach a shot at the big leagues? It'd be fine I guess. Like, just some guy. Like, it's a reasonable target. I guess.

4. A TALKING DOG

IT WOULD FIX ALL THEIR PUBLIC RELATIONS ISSUES INSTANTLY.

"Coach, with the NCAA keying in on your institution, how do you keep your head down and focus on the week ahead."

"Can I have a treat? I am a dog."

IT WOULD BE AWESOME.

5. A DOG THAT CAN'T TALK

IT WOULD STILL BE SO SWEET THOUGH. And the drop off in football knowhow would still be pretty negligible.

The recruiting pitch would consist of "being cute," which is something that I'm roughly 80-percent sure the NCAA can't enact stupid rul —

Wait, what's that?

I am now being informed that the NCAA is, at this very moment, enacting an hour limit on "cute time" to better protect competitive balance. Welp, on to our final option...

6. A Lawyer

This seems like the undisputed top option. Because Lord knows how deep in legal issues Illinois is going to find itself.

Let's not rule out the possibility of the lawyer also being a dog either.