Rutgers basketball. Read a sentence about it, and try not to laugh. It's difficult. Rutgers basketball has become an absolute joke. The Scarlet Knights are the first power conference team to dip below No. 300 in Ken Pomeroy's rankings. They're probably the worst major conference team ever. (Okay, they definitely are). As Tristan Jung writes:
At this point, the badness of the team is just a cruel joke. Rutgers is Don Quixote tilting at a windmill. Rutgers is Oedipa Maas trying to find a postage stamp. Rutgers is in a wretched postmodern state, and its recovery is in doubt. The team is now so bad that you just have to stare and say, what's the point? Like Camus' famous example in The Myth of Sisyphus, Rutgers must keep pushing the rock up the mountain (court) by playing basketball. It cannot escape the absurdity of its existence.
Rutgers will probably become the first team to go 0-for in the Big Ten since 1999-2000 Northwestern. Unless...
Nah. Northwestern isn't going to lose to Rutgers. The Wildcats have beaten every single team they'd be expected to beat except for Penn State. They're not good, but they haven't been upset-prone.
It's still a frightening thought though. If any Big Ten team were to infringe upon Rutgers' perfection, it's probably Northwestern... right? Is this not exactly the type of game in which "Northwestern" will turn into an adjective and a verb?
It's not going to happen. KenPom gives Northwestern a 94 percent chance to win. But... what if?
Well, here's what. A Rutgers win would not only be so improbable, but so embarrassing, that we decided to ask our staff how they would cope with the shame of that improbable occurrence.
So if Rutgers beats Northwestern Saturday, we will...
Kevin Trahan: Denounce my citizenship to the great state of Iowa.
Henry Bushnell: Move to Iowa.
Related: According to Pat Fitzgerald (#journalism), Iowa is worse than Kenosha, which is apparently the worst, so what does that make Iowa?
Ben Goren: Go to Northwestern media availability with a Rutger shirt and Rutger basketball button.
And permanently change my twitter brand to a pro-Rutger outlet.
And send an application to Rutger grad school.
Zach Pereles: Burn every article of Northwestern University paraphernalia I have ever owned.
Tristan Jung: Write a 10,000 space-themed short story featuring Corey Sanders and Eddie Jordan.
Jordan's reaction to Tristan's idea | Photo: Bruce Thorson-USA Today Sports
Sam Brief: Watch only C-Span on TV for 12 hours straight.
Martin Oppegaard: Purchase a Rutgers quarter-zip and wear it every day for the rest of 2016.
Zach Wingrove: Draft Jay Cutler first overall in my fantasy football league next year
Ian McCafferty: Jump into Lake Michigan while wearing this:
Josh Burton: Donate $200 to Rutgers' endowment.
Jason Dorow: Admit Joey King dunked on me in high school (long story).
Josh Rosenblat: Tweet something about Dan Dakich every day for a week.
Austin Miller (WNUR Sports Online Content Editor and No. 1 Fan of New York City's Big Ten Team): Rub it in all of your faces because Rutger is #actually #good.
Now it's your turn to tell us... What will you do if Northwestern loses to Rutgers?