Northwestern baseball is upgrading its facilities from the worst in Division I to perfectly acceptable, and part of that upgrade includes adding an LED scoreboard. Simple enough, right?
Nope, because people who live near the proposed scoreboard are PISSED:
The Wilmette residents, who repeatedly interrupted a university official as he responded to questions from aldermen, at one point had to be admonished by Planning and Development Chair Mark Tendam to stop interrupting or leave the room.
For their part, the residents, who live across the Isabella Street municipal boundary from the field, claimed that the scoreboard would be a blight on their property values, a distraction to drivers and a threat to migratory birds. One speaker also objected to the possibility that her children might see ads for Coca-Cola on the scoreboard.
Okay, back to Coca-Cola lady in a bit. These are Wilmette residents, so what they have to say doesn't matter at all, as Evanston's zoning board has already approved the scoreboard.
How big is this monstrosity? It's 24 feet high and 36 feet wide, which is not big. For reference, Northwestern football's new scoreboard is 25 feet high and 44 feet wide. Auburn football's new scoreboard is 57 feet high and 190 feet wide. Here is a picture from Evanston Now:
Not large! But think of the birds! And the Coca-Cola ads! Think of the kind of person that would go to a city council meeting to protest a dang scoreboard, and mix that with the most stereotypical North Shore resident you can think of, and you get Coca-Cola lady.
But in an effort to aid these noble residents in their crusade to rid the world of moderately-sized scoreboards at college baseball fields, I've decided to come up with some more complaints to send to Evanston's city council.
Coca-Cola lady's kids might actually see Coke Zero ads
This concerned resident has clearly never been to a Northwestern game. Northwestern is sponsored by trash drink Coke Zero, not Coca-Cola.
Coca-Cola is awesome, Coke Zero is awful. I understand why Tennessee fans got mad that I called Rocky Top trash. But nobody can argue that Coke Zero is terrible. And worse yet, I've gotten some pretty sweet free shirts from Northwestern over the years, only to have them ruined by a giant Coke Zero ad on the back.
We cannot let Coca-Cola lady's kids have their lives ruined by Coke Zero ads. We must protect the nation's youth.
The scoreboard is too small for migratory birds
Let's assume that none of the tall buildings in the area get in the way of the migratory birds, and assume that they're flying 24 feet off the ground. In that case, the scoreboard is too small.
In order to properly alert the birds that there is a scoreboard in the way, it actually needs to be even bigger.
Baseball kills birds and should be banned
The scoreboard will attract recruits and make Northwestern too good
Northwestern now has a real stadium, which is awesome! But that means NU is going to get really good, because all of the recruits are going to want to play at this stadium with a scoreboard that's such an attraction.
Here's how this goes:
- Northwestern builds a scoreboard.
- All of the recruits come to Northwestern.
- Northwestern gets very good at baseball.
- All of the parking gets taken up on Isabella Street.
- With so many fans, Northwestern is forced to expand Rocky Miller Park and demolish these residents' homes.
Coca-Cola lady's kids might learn about SPORTS
And sports will make them dumb and lesser, says Amy Schumer in Trainwreck.
Please do not build that scoreboard, Northwestern. For all of us, and for our children to be able to grow up in a Coke Zero-less world.