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The Bachelorette Episode 2 recap, Northwestern edition: Anthony, are you there?

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Northwestern’s Anthony Battle was supposedly on this television show.

The Bachelorette on ABC

I didn’t know we were playing “where in the world is Anthony Battle.” Episode 2 of The Bachelorette focused on sports, and yet the show’s only remaining athlete (sorry Mike Black) spent about five seconds on camera. Then again, maybe this is payback for Northwestern’s sporting renaissance and consequent media coverage of the last few months.

Has America had enough of Northwestern? It’s not unreasonable. After all, just look at the last six months. Northwestern won the Pinstripe Bowl. Then, after an insane season, Northwestern made the NCAA Tournament for the first time and became the biggest story in sports media circles. Then Northwestern extended its coaches into infinity. Chris Collins wrote for the Players’ Tribune. Women’s golf nearly won the national title. Spencer Allen led a huge resurgence and nearly won the Big Ten Baseball Tournament. Perhaps the world has decided that the Wildcats can’t take over The Bachelorette. It would be too much.

Okay, maybe there isn’t a nationwide conspiracy to keep Northwestern from airtime on The Bachelorette, but it certainly felt that way in Episode 2. Tonight, we got two hours of “not-Anthonys” doing various ridiculous things on television. The episode began with guest appearances from Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, two entertaining actors who were profoundly boring on camera. They watched as the “group date” contestants did various household tasks, like holding a baby and vacuuming.

My question is: When is Pat Fitzgerald going to make his guest appearance? How about Mick McCall? There was an early scene where Rachel and the guys were throwing a football around.

No Clayton Thorson to teach proper throwing mechanics? No Austin Carr to teach proper catching form? Not even one mention of Northwestern’s win in the Pinstripe Bowl? Come on, ABC.

In the early going, it looked like the central drama of the episode would center around Lucas (WHABOOM Man) and Blake E. (Frank Grimes) who were cat-fighting over who “deserved to be there.” They both knew each other before the show, and the episode devolved into Blake claiming that Lucas was a crazy person only out for attention (fair) and Lucas claiming Blake was just a controlling jerk with no sense of humor (also fair). Somehow, I felt some sympathy for the WHABOOM Man, mostly because he gave Rachel some poetry, and I sympathize with guys writing awful poetry to get girls to like them (I’m not owned).

Then, Peter went on a solo date with Rachel, and her dog Copper. It was great, because dogs are great, and remain undefeated.

Are you not entertained?

The second group date involved 10 guys not named Anthony, Rachel, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Yes, Kareem, the Hall of Fame basketball player who also wrote that The Bachelorette was “killing romance in America” four months ago. Kareem believed the show was redeemed, however, and the guys played basketball in front of a fake crowd. I also want to point out that, if they wanted to, Northwestern basketball could put together a team that would DOMINATE The Bachelorette.

Also, Rachel’s dog, a marionette, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis and the dude who growled at Rachel upon meeting her have all gotten more screen time than Anthony. IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

The main drama of the show would fall upon DeMario, who apparently tried to get on the show despite being involved in a relationship with another woman. Because this show is definitely not scripted, she somehow found the exact basketball court where the taping was held and confronted DeMario. She had texts! Texts, I tell you! Rachel booted DeMario off the show instantly, but, like Northwestern baseball during the Big Ten Tournament, he came back.

Rachel went to a nice bar and kissed some people. I was fairly checked out of the drama at this point. In a scary split second, we saw Anthony packing a suitcase. I’m starting to worry about his long-term prospects, but I’ll let the suitcase packing slide, for now.

The show ended with DeMario trying to force his way back onto the show. The entire cast of the show banded together to stop him. Yes, that means Anthony was there, if only to provide moral support.

Thus far, Anthony has not had a date with Rachel, and we don’t even know what his voice sounds like. He could be going in “stealth mode,” waiting to make his move in the next episode. In the trailer, it looks like he gets into some sort of confrontation with DeMario. Maybe this is Anthony’s moment. He certainly learned how to make tackles in college (as well as getting his degree in English, because AND is in our DNA at Northwestern). TAKE THAT CHEATER DOWN, ANTHONY!

Even though there wasn’t much hope in this episode, we have confirmed evidence from the season preview that Anthony is wearing a cowboy hat and having some alone time with Rachel at some point during the proceedings. Because Rachel is from Texas, that would imply that Anthony is getting a hometown visit down the road. Our time is coming!

Fantasy League Update

Turns out, having Anthony Battle in Fantasy Bachelorette isn’t that beneficial. Because he’s done essentially nothing on the show, he has earned zero fantasy points. Meanwhile, guys like Josiah and Dean racked up 21 points apiece for getting some kisses with Rachel. Come on Anthony, I know you’re one of our “good young men”, but at least get some swearing in to keep the audience entertained. We are starving for content here.

Right now, PeacheyCarnehan is running away with the fantasy league. With an excellent squad of Bryan (he of the five languages and first impression rose), Peter (the one-on-one date guy) and Blake E. (the WHABOOM disrespctor), I can’t see how anyone’s going to top that squad right now. Martin Oppegaard is currently leading out of the Inside NU staffers with Peter/Dean/Will. That Peter/Dean combo could be strong. Shoutout to Davis Rich, who has zero points.