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3 reasons to stop paying attention to Northwestern football...forever

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#IDon’tCare (anymore)

Wisconsin v Northwestern Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Despite the fact that I wrote an article last week examining the ‘Cats’ early season struggles over the last few season, mostly ending in good mid and late-season runs, I’m (entirely seriously) giving up on Northwestern football. The ‘Cats are on pace to go 1-11. It’ll probably happen, so what's the point? Here are some reasons why you, the faithful Northwestern supporter who happens upon this post, should not consume anything related to Wildcat football:

1. Northwestern has a lot of other sports worthy of your attention

2019 NCAA Division I Women’s Lacrosse Championship - Semifinals Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Women’s soccer had a rough start to the season but has started to catch fire in Big Ten play. Fitz himself said, “I watched the softball team, they work ten times harder than our guys do,” and said group went 47-13 last season and advanced all the way to the NCAA Super Regionals.

Lacrosse has won 7 national champions since 2005. Field hockey is 10-3 and lost a heartbreaker to #4 Maryland last week. I’ve heard that the Club Rowing team also is really good (not-so-subtle plug). Men’s basketball...ok let’s not talk about men’s basketball. I’ll probably end up doing another one of these come January.

All these teams and plenty of others who I did not mention work their butts off week in and week out without the media buzz or coverage of revenue sports and certainly deserve your attention. So, instead of getting worked up about QB draws on 3rd-and-longs and picks by non-5 star quarterbacks with a minute left in a tie game, switch your attention to something a bit more worthwhile.

2. Football (and the NCAA as a whole) is kinda stupid

Northwestern v Wisconsin Photo by Dylan Buell/Getty Images

College football seems great and all: the pageantry, the passion, the mascots, Mike Gundy’s mullet, etc. However, the games take forever because of commercial breaks (looking at you, Fox), the name of the sport is wrong (hand-egg wouldn’t stick, I guess), and the whole CTE thing also sours the experience.

When football is obsolete in 50 years, imagine telling your grandkids that you dedicated an entire afternoon watching 18-22 year olds give each other concussions for 3 hours on a Saturday afternoon, and the result of said saga dictated your mood for a day/week/forever. Moreover, imagine telling those grandkids that you chose to write weekly columns and recaps for a website covering this whole spectacle. How ridiculous would that sound?

Especially considering the mind-numbing ways in which Northwestern Wildcat football manages both to win and lose games, why bother? Go read a book! Spend time with your friend or family! Find a hobby! Anything productive, or really any activity on this Earth that isn’t watching Charlie Kuhbander miss a 34-yard field goal in the fourth quarter to help turn the gears towards a soul-crushing loss is probably more worth it.

3. None of it actually matters

I’m not a nihilist when it comes to most things, but with NU football, it has certainly come to that at this point.

I could insert some Nietzsche quote, but instead, I’ll just leave this here:

Feel small and insignificant yet? In a few billion years, the sun will expand and swallow the Earth, destroying Ryan Field and all the joyous, painful, and frustrating memories all of us have experienced there along with it.

In a million years, heck, in one hundred years, no one will know or care who or what a Mick McCall is. In summary, none of this matters, so you, the reader, should stop paying attention to Northwestern football forever. Does that make sense? Now, after that dark turn, I’ll ponder on the fate of the universe (and probably write an injury report, make a prediction or two, and then watch the ‘Cats make this piece irrelevant by shutting out Ohio State 59-0 in two weeks).

Disclaimer: This post (especially the final two points) is not meant to be taken fully seriously.