On Saturday, Northwestern will play its biggest game of the season. In arguably the most important game of the month across the college football landscape, the Wildcats (1-8, 0-7 Big Ten) will have a chance to make a real statement against UMass (1-9). Here are a few notes to be aware of when it comes to NU’s vaunted opponent:
They are located in the northeastern United States
The State of Massachusetts is a song by the Dropkick Murphys, released in 2008. Sources also tell me that it is federally recognized as one of the actual 50 American states, though that remains debatable. Home to popular attractions such as Plymouth Rock, Foxbourgh Stadium, and “six rings,” this state is a major tourist spot. Whether you’re looking for a lobster hoagie, obnoxious Red Sox fans, or the world’s ugliest accent, Massachusetts is sure to disappoint you in some manner. The “state,” located somewhere in this range,
is arguably the worst in the region, which is saying a lot, because also at least partially circled above are both New Jersey and New York (home to the most overrated city in the world).
Editor’s note: The author initially wanted to put “Fuck Tom Brady” in this section as a kicker, but managing editor and staunch Patriots fan Avery Zimmerman would not allow it.
Their team is literally a Militia
Football is a war that is won or lost in the trenches. With that said, you would think the Minutemen, being an actual army, would be a decent football team. Instead, they got torched 63-7 last week by the literal U.S. Army, giving up nearly 500 rushing yards and nine touchdowns on the ground.
While they might be good at fighting off the British, UMass is certainly not good at football, winning just one of their ten games this season, while sporting one of the worst defenses in college football history (it allows 53.1 points per game). Ironically, Northwestern’s offense is currently considered a war crime in 30 nations (and counting!) worldwide, so the Minutemen might be able to fight off the Cats yet.
They don’t have Mick McCall
Who’s on the UMass coaching staff? I’m not going to lie to you, I have no clue. However, I do know they don’t have Mick McCall. Sources close to me have confirmed that this is an insanely effective offensive strategy. UMass might not have a great staff, but does it run a consistently bad, predictable offense like NU does? Again, I honestly could not tell you.
Anyways, Northwestern will probably find a win in a matchup that is sure to be Tom Fornelli’s Bottom 25 Game of the Century of the Week. Go ‘Cats.