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Malört Bowl Predictions

Two teams enter. Only one can prevail.

NCAA Football: Purdue at Northwestern David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

The University of Massachusetts Minutemen (1-9) and the Northwestern Wildcats (1-8, 0-7 Big Ten) are ready to make history in their first-ever matchup on the gridiron.

The worst defense in the FBS (and maybe Division One as a whole) is just about ready to clash with by far the worst Power 5 offense in the country, and our writers are here to give you their entirely serious picks.

Colin Kruse: Northwestern 39.5, UMass 0

Noah Coffman: Northwestern 40, UMass 5

The Wildcats break the magic 40-point barrier thanks to a sack record-breaking safety by Joe Gaziano late in the fourth quarter. The defense delivers, Mick McCall saves his job with what honestly is a mediocre performance against legitimately one of the worst defenses in college football history, and Northwestern keeps their hopes of a single-digit loss season alive.

Joe Weinberg: Northwestern 6, UMass 2

Joe Gaziano has a strip-sack touchdown to break the record and Kuhbander misses the extra point. UMass covers.

Matt Albert: Northwestern 56, UMass 6

‘Cats by 50 (for real this time tho).

Mac Stone: Northwestern 11, UMass 4

Yes, this is a legitimate prediction for what’s bound to be one of the greatest college football games in recent history.

Daniel Olinger: Northwestern 31, UMass 6

Calling Northwestern’s offense a dumpster fire would be an insult to proud dumpster fires worldwide. However, you might not understand how bad this UMass defense is. The Minutemen have given up 72 touchdowns this season! That’s 7.2 touchdowns per game! Even one of the three offenses ranked below Northwestern in the SP+ metrics, that of 0-9 Akron, managed to score 29 points against UMass earlier this season. The same Akron team that scored three points total in October. So yeah, even Northwestern will light up UMass this Saturday.

Jacob Brown: UMass 6, Northwestern 9


William Karmin: Northwestern 31, UMass 6

This won’t be pretty, it won’t be fun, but Northwestern will win. NU is bad; the Minutemen are even worse.

Brett Haensel: UMass 12, Northwestern 9

Only field goals to be kicked in this one, and unfortunately it leads to a new low point for the lowly ‘Cats.

Henry Ward: Northwestern 38, UMass 7

A confidence boost for the ‘Cats, which couldn’t come at a better time for Mick McCall.

Avery Zimmerman: Northwestern 31, UMass 10

Eli Karp: People who didn’t pay for tickets 1, people who actually paid 0

A SeatGeek search revealed that tickets were actually being sold for $0 before fees (which totaled $4).

Claire Kuwana: Northwestern 20, UMass 7

Considering that the ‘Cats are going up against the worst defense in college football, I’m hoping for two touchdowns. Please.

Inside NU Prediction Standings

Joe Weinberg: 7-2

Noah Coffman: 7-2

Colin Kruse: 7-2

Jacob Brown: 5-1

Avery Zimmerman: 6-3

William Karmin: 5-3

Lia Assimakopoulos: 4-3

Eli Karp: 4-5

Matt Albert: 2-6

Daniel Olinger: 4-0

Mac Stone: 3-1

Claire Kuwana: 2-0

Ryley Hougland: 1-2

Caleb Friedman: 1-0

Lucio Vainesman: 1-0

Graham Brennan: 0-1