Disclaimer: The views of the authors do not represent the views of the larger site itself. We tried to make fun of all candidates equally.
Also, luckily enough, there are almost as many football games as there are Democratic candidates for president in 2020! Here are your 2019 Northwestern Football Opponents at 2020 Democratic Primary Candidates. Happy debating!
Week 1 — Stanford Cardinal: Cory Booker
After being previously compared to Northwestern for his elite credentials and somewhat nerdy attributes and given his past as a Stanford tight end in the late ‘80s, it’s safe to say Booker’s a Cardinal at heart. Booker was actually one of Stanford’s top prospects, but as he said himself, he was “the most overrated high school player in that year,” and his football career didn’t quite pan out.
Week 2 — Bye: Tom Steyer
That’s enough football for now. Gotta go fundraise — after all, that Ryan Field renovation won’t pay for itself. (There can never be too many things with the name “Ryan” attached to the front!!)
Week 3 — UNLV Runnin’ Rebels: Kirsten Gillibrand
Both trying to overcome past regrets. Gillibrand hopes her party will overlook her earlier conservative views on immigration while UNLV strives to change its history in what could be its third winning season this century.
Week 4 — Wisconsin Badgers: Tim Ryan
Thinks of himself as the voice of the midwest, but nobody’s listening. Challenged elite opponents in the past only to fall short. Blue but lowkey red.
Week 5 — Michigan State Spartans: Joe Biden
Sometimes big expectations don’t pan out as they should. Both look great on paper. Both face constant scrutiny from their opponents, who celebrate every win against them.
Week 6 — Nebraska Cornhuskers: Beto O’Rourke
Like the battle of the Alamo before them, both Nebraska and Beto are trying to outlive famous losses in Texas. Dating back to its prime in the Big 12, Nebraska and Beto both look to relive a more positive time before their fate took a turn for the worse.
Week 7 — Bye (again): Marianne Williamson
Blessed with an additional break to take a deep dive into one’s self development or to make a quick call to New Zealand.
“Maturity includes the recognition that no one is going to see anything in us that we don’t see in ourselves. Stop waiting for a producer. Produce yourself.” - Maybe Marianne? Maybe Fitz? The world may never know...
Week 8 — Ohio State Buckeyes: Senator Michael Bennett
Based on the Colorado Senator’s thoughts on Medicare for all, both are far too concerned with finding ways to win in the upper Midwest and Michigan.
Week 9 — Io_a Hawkeyes: John Delaney
Trying to be the sole proprietor of Iowa’s heart is pretty much all Delaney and the Hawkeyes have in common, but boy, has he fought hard for it. Funneling millions of dollars into his campaign there, he traveled to all 99 Iowan counties (multiple times) — oh, and this was all two years before the race began.
Week 10 — Indiana Hoosiers: Mike Gravel
Gravel has received his most important endorsement in the 2020 campaign so far from former Northwestern star running back Justin Jackson. Most people don’t even know he exists, like the IU football program. But both are perhaps starting to accrue a bit of momentum, with Gravel accruing 65,000+ donors and the Hoosiers coming aches away from bowl games in back-to-back years.
Week 11 — Purdue Boilermakers: Pete Buttigieg
Both the Boilermakers and Mayor Pete have tried to prove themselves as the dominant force in South Bend, but time and time again, Notre Dame has come out on top.
Week 12 — Umass Minutemen: Andrew Yang
Just another bump in the road until you realize he turned a startup into a multimillion dollar operation. Dare I say...Akron?
Week 13 — Minnesota Golden Gophers: John Hickenlooper
What’s the difference between him and Delaney (Iowa)? Well, one has more money than the other. But Hickenlooper does have more momentum in the polls, garnering a full 2 percent recently....and then celebrating it.
Week 14 — Illinois: Bill De Blasio
Largely unpopular even in their own state. Nobody needed them. Both have a much bigger bark than their bite.
15 people, including the mayor of Orangeburg, SC (the first person to endorse the mayor’s 2020 campaign) come to hear @BilldeBlasio @Chirlane speak in Columbia, SC this morning. pic.twitter.com/FM0viKDe0Q— Grace Rauh (@gracerauh) June 22, 2019
Not sure if this is a De Blasio rally or Illinois home game from late last season!
R.I.P. sweet prince Eric Swallwell (Rutger) #gonetoosoon
Let the comment section serve as a place for more lukewarm, uncalled for takes comparing democratic challengers to Northwestern’s 2019 foes!