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Name of the Week: Penn State edition

Names! Including Matt Stankiewitch, Stephen Obeng-Agyapong, and Wendy Laurent.

Andrew Weber-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

Names on the docket!

Congrats to Chase Hoobler for hoobling his way to a second-straight victory in the name poll. May he hooble for decades to come.

When it comes to Penn State names, the obvious one is Christian Kuntz, the best name any of us have ever seen or heard. However, as you probably know, Kuntz has been retired around here in the name-polling circuit, for winning too much and by too much. He is a champion for the ages. He is the name we deserve, but not the one we need right now. Instead, we turn to Penn State's lesser names, while Christian continues spanning the globe, for the most pious of female reproductive organs, organizing a crusade against his bitter enemy, Heathen Dix.

So let's see who we got, naaaamean?

No. 29, Reynolds Parthemore, P: This is literally the fanciest name I have ever heard. I refuse to believe Reynolds Parthemore doesn't have his food served to him on antique china, with sterling silverware and crystal champagne flutes, by a crew of dozens of indentured servants. He probably eats mutton a lot. Anyway, Reynolds, the 15th Lord of Parthemore, is a backup punter for PSU.

No. 5, Nyeem Wartman, LB: Wartman is a really gross name, and to be honest, I kind of like what's going on with Nyeem. Not sure this name belongs on this list, but I'll leave that up to you, the voter. Nyeem is a true freshman backup linebacker who has played in two games, and also returned a punt!

No. 55, Wendy Laurent, C: I have never, ever, ever heard the argument that Wendy is in any way, shape, or form, a boy's name, unless you consider Wandy Rodriguez a poorly-made argument. I feel for poor Wendy, whose last name is a better boy's first name than his real first name. I'm sure nobody has ever made fun of him, especially not in elementary school. I hope this is an abbreviation for something awesome, like, uh, Wenceslaus, and not his full first name. Wendy's a backup true freshman center who be RSin'.

No. 7, Stephen Obeng-Agyapong: I always point out how much I dislike just being like "lol this name is foreign", but "Obeng-Agyapong", y'all. Penn State's equipment manager was PISSED when they added names to the back of jerseys, mainly because he had to go out and find a hyphen.

Obie Aggie is a really talented player at strong safety.

No. 54, Matt Stankiewitch, C: The smelly warlock is back, y'all, and he's ready for action. He can still do the stanky leg, and also a variety of magic stuff. He's PSU's starting center.