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Name of the Week: Michigan

Names, like Ondre Pipkins and Jareth Glanda and Justice Hayes. Names are getting weak recently. It's your fault, parents.

Matthew Emmons-US PRESSWIRE

First off, I'd like to apologize for the sub-par nature of last week's poll. However, winners are winners, and Kevonte Martin-Manley definitely was a winner, taking 35 percent of the vote with 44, edging out John Lowdermilk, who had 39.

I really honestly do think that the Big Ten's naming stock is disappearing in front of our eyes. For the second straight week, last year's NOTW candidates from this school, including the winner Martavious Odoms are almost all gone, with only two of the five players from the 2011 Michigan Name of the Week poll still on the squad. So there's a bit of a dropoff, but we still work. Honorable mentions include Mike Jones - who? - Paul Gyarmati, Graham Glasgow and Blake Bars.

Now them nominees!

No. 54, Jareth Glanda, LS: What I wrote last year:

For a second, I looked at this and thought it was a real name. You know, like you were gonna name your kid Jared but you thought you'd make it a little bit intriguing so you went with Jareth. Then I googled Jareth. It turns out the only person ever named Jareth is actually David Bowie's character in the movie Labyrinth. Take it away, Wikipedia.

Jareth is the Goblin King of The Labyrinth, a vast kingdom within another realm...Though the ruler of the goblins, Jareth actually is not a goblin, and he appears human. In the first draft of the script, however, he turned into a goblin when Sarah rejected him, thus suggesting that he was a goblin to begin with. His powers include the ability to form crystal orbs in his hands.

Glanda also sounds like a good last name for a swamp creature. So, you know, this dude is definitely some sorta mythical.

Glanda is the team's snapper, which must be difficult what with the hands filled with crystal orbs and being questionably gendered on a lot of his songs but still being pretty great overall.

No. 5, Justice Hayes, RB: A lot of college football players are named after cool intangible traits, like Knowledge and stuff, but not many of these also result in the player having a title. My point is, COURT IS NOW IN SESSION, JUSTICE HAYES PRESIDING.

The Honorable Judge Hayes is a backup running back who has 85 yards and a touchdown in his redshirt freshman year.

No. 86, Jehu Chesson, WR: Jehu, of course, is a minor biblical king from the book of 2 Kings, and also probably how Dutch people onomatopoeticize the sound of sneezing. Chesson, along with teammate Devin Funchess, is part of a chess youth excitement committee. He is not, nor has he ever been, a Damaja.

Jehu is a redshirting frosh.

No. 28, Fitzgerald Touissant, RB: Just the last name of your favorite US President/Northwestern head football coach and first name of your favorite Haitian president. Its not funny but its very melodic and somehow meaningful. I wonder how he gets along with backup QB Jack Kennedy.

Fitz is Michigan's starting running back, although you probably figured it out from this morning's Q-and-A.

No. 56, Ondre Pipkins, DT: The original version of "Mary Poppins" was called "Ondre Pipkins". It's about a dude who beats the crap out of some kids with an umbrella. Songs include "This medicine is going to go down, spoonful of sugar or not, or I'm gonna hit you with the umbrella again" and "Supercalafragi-shut the hell up or it's umbrella time".

Ondre 3000 is a freshman defensive tackle who's played in eight games.

I know you're probably all voting-ed out, but, uh, here! More votes!