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Name of the Week: Mississippi State Edition

Mississippi State has shown us how pathetic it is that we play Name of the Week during the Big Ten schedule. For they have the names we wish we had been able to make jokes about. They have all of them.

Spruce Derden-US PRESSWIRE

Yeah, it's time for this.

Bowl season is a magical, magical time, when we get to make fun of the names people have in other conferences instead of just making fun of the names in the Big Ten. While the Big Ten has its fair share of names, let's be honest: it doesn't keep up with the rest of the country, least of all the SEC. We should consider our pairings with this conference a joy and a blessing.

A lot of the players we feature often have great first names or last names. Few teams are as blessed as Mississippi State in names of people who just don't sound like real people at all. I think you'll see what I mean. The EXTENSIVE list of honorable mentions includes defensive back Darius Slay, quarterback Jamil Golden, defensive lineman Quay Evans, wide receiver Brandon Heavens, athlete Rishunn McCaleb, defensive back Taveze Calhoun, linebacker Beniquez Brown, and athlete DJ Blanks. They didn't make the cut! And I put nine guys in the poll!

No. 52, Ferlando Bohanna: Ferlando is the strong-armed dictator of a 1940's banana republic in northern South America. He has literally minutes before being deposed. I think they were going for "Fernando" but just ended up with the gerund form of the non-existent Spanish verb "ferlar", which would mean "to furl" if it wasn't non-existent.

Ferly Bo saw action in 11 games this year as a backup linebacker, hopping on top of two fumbles.

No. 1, Chad Bumphis: BUMPHIS!

Bumphis! is a really talented senior wide receiver. He leads the team in receiving yards by a pretty gosh-darn big margin, and has nearly as many receiving touchdowns as the rest of the team combined.

No. 39, Baker Swedenburg: Somebody made a "Candlestickmaker Denmarktown" joke on Twitter earlier this year, but I can't find it.

His real name should be "Punter Starkville", because that's what he is.

No. 68, Templeton Hardy: Templeton Hardy was scrapped by the staff at one of those awful look-at-how-life-was-back-in-colonial-times theme park things when trying to come up with a name for the new guy who plays the town's shoemaker, but it lost out to "Franklin Smithworth" because it too unrealistic.

Temp is a senior offensive lineman for the Bulldogs.

No. 24, Jamerson Love: I always wonder what people with porn-ish names do if they actually try to enter the porn industry.

J-Love is a sophomore reserve cornerback, who picked off a pass this year and had three passes defended.

No. 50, Benardrick McKinney: RIP, letter R lost in the complicated process of fusing "Bernard" and "Rick" into one hybrid smorgasbord Frankenstein name. In other news, "Smorgasbord Frankenstein" is a good name.

Benardrick is a linebacker who had a really strong redshirt freshman year, finishing second on the team in tackles with 97, including 4.5 for loss.

No. 33, Xavier Grindle: "Grindle" is the technical term for the strip of skin between your Bumphis and your Jamerson Love unit.

X-GRIND is listed as an athlete, and he redshirted this year.

No. 23, Sylvester Hemphill: Sylvester is a really underrated name that oddly gets a lot of play around MSU, but the real star here is WEED MOUND.

Sly's a senior starting at fullback. No carries, but six catches for 40 yards.

No. 29, Quadry Antoine: Antoine as a last name makes Quadry sound like an adjective, like the nickname for sort of 1920's mob henchman. Like he used to go by his nickname, but then he committed some vicious crime that was so Quadry that everybody called him Quadry Antoine afterwards. Unfortunately, Quadry isn't a real word. I was going to say that Quadry wasn't a real name, either, but then I remember Qadry Ismail and realized I might be defaming a real Arabic name. Then I googled "Quadry" and found a lot of hits related to Quadry Antoine's recruiting, and nothing else really except an UrbanDictionary page whose top definition was this:

"A young cunnin young man with a BIG personality and an even beigger cock!!.An all around great guy, product to society, great dresser and and even better athlete."

I guess what I'm trying to say is, there's a player named Quadry Antoine who either made or had a friend who made an online definition of his own name to say that he has a big personality and a penis that is very, very beige, even in comparison to his personality.

'Toine is a freshman defensive back who hasn't played yet this year. I hope the red of the shirt goes well with the beige hue of his dick.