Northern Illinois has puppies. Northern Illinois also has names!
Congratulations to Trey Cheek for absolutely destroying the Cal Name of the Week poll, with 52 percent of the 11 votes cast. A weak playing field, but still, well deserved.
Anyway, onto NIU! Runners-up include Renard Cheren -- did you know it's French for "fox?" It's French for "fox" -- Clayton Glasper, Juwan Brescacin, whose last name is that thing that makes chili peppers spicy, Micial Allen -- it's Michael -- Dechene Durant -- it's Deshaun -- Cameron Stingily, the greediest player in NIU history, and Rasheen Lemon.
Cal Breedlove, No. 98
NO. NO. YOU WILL NOT BREED OUR LOVE TOWARDS THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA-BERKELEY. NO.
Cal, when not being an emissary of compassion for the team that beat Northwestern Week 1, is a DT for Northern Illinois. He's not on the depth chart but he got a sack Week 1.
Desroy Maxwell, No. 37
"Your highness, wha should we do abou Maxwell, the greaes enemy of your Kingdom Of People Who Canno Say Leers Beween S and U?"
"DESROY MAXWELL, FOR HIS INSOLENCE OWARDS OUR BLESSED LAND"
"As you wish, your Majesy."
Desroy is an Evanston native and went to Amundsen High in Edgewater. He's a backup tight end who had 11 catches this year, but none in Week 1.
Aregeros Turner, No. 22
Aregeros is a mythical kingdom where people do sex with their relatives and a hot girl has a bunch of dragons. A bunch of stuff happens there, but you won't find out about most of it because the guy is gonna die before he finishes those books and you know it.
Aregeros is a sophomore wideout who's listed as a backup at one of the Huskies' two slots, and had a catch for five yards Week 1.
Draco Smith, No. 36
You can't name your kid "Draco" unless you want them to be incredibly evil. Here is a list of people named Draco that I am aware of:
1. Draco, first lawgiver of Athens, known for enacting a code of laws so strict that the phrase "draconian" has come to refer to strict laws. Stuff like stealing a cabbage was punishable by death. Via Plutarch: "When asked why he had fixed the punishment of death for most offences, answered that he considered these lesser crimes to deserve it, and he had no greater punishment for more important ones."
2. Draco Malfoy, the most evil kid in the evil house in Harry Potter who hangs out with the super-evil guy.
When not hissing and kicking poor people, Draco is a tailback for the Huskies. He's not on the depth chart, but had 35 yards and a TD against Presbyterian.
Herlandez Corley, No. 97
We had a friend named Hernandez at college. He was a nice guy -- I think he's in the Peace Corps now? -- but whenever he did anything even slightly wrong, we would shake our fist to the heavens and yell HERNANDEEEEEEEEEZ at the top of our lungs. This proved to be so fun that we kinda just started yelling HERNANDEEEEEEEEEZ whenever he did anything, or if he walked into a room, or if we were just talking about him and he wasn't there.
Anyway, I am by myself in my apartment right now with a dog, who does not speak English, and I just shook my fist at the heavens and yelled HERLANDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ! You should try it. It's a great stress reliever.
Herlandez is a freshman DE who ain't playin.